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Joke of the day

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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stops a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"******** to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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The sailing results are in:  USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
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lmao  Thanks Nigel.  I love clever one-liners.
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Caz
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 roflmao Some of those made me laugh so much I nearly wet myself!  w00t Thanks Nigel!
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roflmao Some of those made me laugh so much I nearly wet myself!  w00t Thanks Nigel!
These are the sort of jokes you want to keep so's you can read them when you need a good laff. Very Happy
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This is the last time I look at "joke of the day" unless I am in a room on my own Tears of laughter streamed down my face and I nearly choked myself trying not to make a noise  Great,witty jokes Grabcopy  Thanks so much
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors: Damian, Darren and Deirdre.                                                                                                        
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.        
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.              

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.          

So they buried Deirdre.                                                  
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Ew ... yuk  Still funny though! Very Happy
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."
 
"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night."
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lmao  Keep 'em coming Nigel!
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Caz
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 roflmao Wicked! Thanks Nigel!
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