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Handy hints & Tips

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Bevc
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I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter!

Handy hints & Tips « on: February 02, 2006, 03:33 PM »
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Hope these don't offend to many of you and hopefully will give you a bit of a giggle.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost  instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it thing in the
first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after,
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.  Sorry, but love this one!  roflmao   You've guessed, I'm not a vegetarian!

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with
whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.

And Finally........................

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
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iaintheviolaplayer
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #1 on: February 02, 2006, 03:35 PM »
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theyre great.love the two vegetarian ones
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brighton babe
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Neue Jaffageschmack kuchen schlager Andy?

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #2 on: February 02, 2006, 04:53 PM »
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Thanks Bev! they are great, especially loved the washing the clothes one and vegetarian ones goodjob
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Josh
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.....

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #3 on: February 02, 2006, 05:22 PM »
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Ther are all great. roflmao
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~Lola~
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Flood me with your words - trust me, I can swim

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #4 on: February 02, 2006, 07:11 PM »
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They are great, so funny! roflmao
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kwevus
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Let us taste those Murray mints

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #5 on: February 02, 2006, 08:34 PM »
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lmao - loving the last one lol!! brill!! x(",)x
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murray mad
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flexible

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #6 on: February 02, 2006, 09:05 PM »
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Did you think of these yourself,

Genius work roflmao

comedian in the making
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heavenlyangel
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Re: Handy hints & Tips « Reply #7 on: February 02, 2006, 09:15 PM »
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Quote from: "Bevc"
Hope these don't offend to many of you and hopefully will give you a bit of a giggle.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost  instantly removed.



 roflmao
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iaintheviolaplayer
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #8 on: February 02, 2006, 10:09 PM »
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my gf is a vegetarian so i told her those ones and she was not impressed
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deedee
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #9 on: February 02, 2006, 10:11 PM »
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I'm a veggie too... And I can laugh about that stuff, I just hate it when people show no respect or say what we do is useless... But those were funny yes Must admit!
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iaintheviolaplayer
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #10 on: February 02, 2006, 10:14 PM »
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yeah she wasnt entirely serious but i got told that u could poison someone by doing that
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top_spin
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #11 on: February 02, 2006, 10:17 PM »
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roflmao those were hilarious.... that swimming pool one is very funny. Smile
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Bevc
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I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter!

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #12 on: February 02, 2006, 11:17 PM »
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Quote from: "murray mad"
Did you think of these yourself,

Genius work roflmao

comedian in the making


 no  Can't take any of the credit!
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Bevc
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Location: Cambridge - New Zealand


I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter!

Handy hints & Tips « Reply #13 on: February 02, 2006, 11:18 PM »
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Quote from: "iaintheviolaplayer"
my gf is a vegetarian so i told her those ones and she was not impressed


 Think  Girlfriend with no sense of humour or having an off day perhaps?
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iaintheviolaplayer
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Handy hints & Tips « Reply #14 on: February 02, 2006, 11:24 PM »
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no she does have a sense of humour but its just very dry and sarcastic like mine (and pedantic too, what a great couple we make)
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