Home Search Calendar Help Login Register
Did you miss your activation email?
Andy Murray vs Andrey Kuznetsov, Saturday, Estimated time - 5:45pm BST - Discuss the match
MurraysWorld Discussions  >  General Community  >  Chit Chat  >  Joke of the day 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 87 88 89 [90] 91 92 93 ... 132 Go Down Reply
Author

Joke of the day

 (Read 53835 times)
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1335 on: July 19, 2012, 03:40 AM »
Reply

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they had just given to their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and the verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote to her first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to her second, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Top Seed
*
Posts: 6,981

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1336 on: July 19, 2012, 01:18 PM »
Reply

Craig David has got a job during the 2012 Olympics helping the archery team. He will be their bow selector.
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 21,881


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1337 on: July 19, 2012, 05:43 PM »
Reply

 lmao lmao These've cheered me up! Thanks Aileen and Nigel!  hug hug
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1338 on: July 21, 2012, 04:45 AM »
Reply

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very
sensitive information from an agent called Murphy.

His instructions were to walk around using a code phrase
until he met his fellow agent.

One day he found himself on a desolate country road
but finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens,
there's a village right over the hill, where there's a
butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three
widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man."

So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...
the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the
spy - he's in the village over the other direction."
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 21,881


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1339 on: July 21, 2012, 08:04 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Brilliant Aileen!
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 11,822

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1340 on: July 21, 2012, 10:35 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Nice one Aileen and Nigel!!
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,144

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1341 on: July 21, 2012, 02:11 PM »
Reply

lol
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1342 on: July 23, 2012, 04:18 AM »
Reply

A doctor and his wife were having an argument at the breakfast table.

Finally the husband lost patience and got up.  As he headed for
the door he shouted "And you're no good in bed either".

After a few hours at work the doctor realises he's been a bit nasty so
he decides to call his better half and make amends.

The phone rings and rings.
When it's eventually answered he asks "Where have you been?"
"In bed" says the wife.
"Doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion".
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 21,881


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1343 on: July 23, 2012, 09:59 AM »
Reply

 :lmao I don't know where you get them all from Aileen, but they fair cheer me up!  hug
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1344 on: July 23, 2012, 05:54 PM »
Reply

lmao I don't know where you get them all from Aileen, but they fair cheer me up!  hug
Mainly from the internet, but I'm running out because about 90% of jokes are either pathetic or unsuitable!   
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1345 on: July 25, 2012, 04:44 AM »
Reply

FACTS .....

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 21,881


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1346 on: July 25, 2012, 05:34 PM »
Reply

 lmao What makes these so funny Aileen, is that most of them are true!  nervous
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 34,839

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1347 on: July 25, 2012, 05:36 PM »
Reply

I know ... scary!  w00t
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 11,822

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1348 on: July 25, 2012, 06:37 PM »
Reply

  roflmao lmao lmao

Just been catching up Aileen, Brill!!!!!!!!!!! Love the one about the doctor! Thanks for always making me laugh!  hug
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,144

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1349 on: July 26, 2012, 05:48 PM »
Reply

The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm...

 So at 6.45 this morning, I put tape over her mouth and raped her.
 When I was finished, I whispered in her ear, "Time to get up for work, darling." !!
IP Logged
Pages: 1 ... 87 88 89 [90] 91 92 93 ... 132 Go Up Reply 
« previous next »