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Joke of the day

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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1395 on: September 12, 2012, 03:31 PM »
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Thanks Aileen and Zarfeen! Brill!  lmao lmao thumb up
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Sabine
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^_^

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1396 on: September 13, 2012, 07:45 AM »
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Thanks guys Very Happy
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1397 on: September 13, 2012, 09:48 AM »
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Thanks for the larf Zarfeen!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1398 on: September 14, 2012, 03:44 AM »
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EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Who tastes pet food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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Sabine
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1399 on: September 14, 2012, 10:17 AM »
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EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Who tastes pet food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

I am wondering too much now..
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1400 on: September 15, 2012, 04:07 AM »
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Irishman Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mikes' wife goes into labour. The local doctor is there in attendance.

 "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
 
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

 Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey."

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."
 
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1401 on: September 15, 2012, 03:08 PM »
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 w00t lmao lmao It's the way ye tell'em Aileen!
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1402 on: September 15, 2012, 03:20 PM »
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Aileen and Zarfeen.
Thanks for the funnies. Very Happy
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1403 on: September 17, 2012, 03:13 AM »
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While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry', says St. Peter, 'but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, the 24 hours is up and it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a very pleasant time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I've decided I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday, we were campaigning ..... Today, you voted.'
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1404 on: September 17, 2012, 06:28 AM »
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 lmao lmao Just brilliant Aileen!
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Iluvandy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1405 on: September 17, 2012, 12:11 PM »
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Love it.    It may be a joke but there's a lot of truth in it.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1406 on: September 17, 2012, 01:25 PM »
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That was what I was thinking too.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1407 on: September 19, 2012, 04:07 AM »
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Antartian jokes have got nowt to do with penguins but are roughly the male equivalent of Blond jokes, SO ...
 

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates St Peter told him that new rules were in place due to the advances in education on earth and that. in order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
 
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

St Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

"OK, I give," said St Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
 
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
 
St Peter let him in without another word.
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1408 on: September 19, 2012, 05:56 AM »
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 lmao lmao A boy in my class thought God's name was Harold!  w00t
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1409 on: September 19, 2012, 04:00 PM »
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lmao lmao A boy in my class thought God's name was Harold!  w00t
I've heard that too from people who thought the same.  In fact it's better than Howard! Very Happy
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