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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 48506 times)
Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1425 on: September 28, 2012, 06:08 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao Thanks Aileen! Ah nearly fell aff ma chair!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1426 on: October 14, 2012, 03:26 AM »
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WHAT CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY -

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
 
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
 
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
 
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
 
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
 
Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
 
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
 
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
 
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
 
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
 
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1427 on: October 14, 2012, 06:43 AM »
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 lmao lmao Nice to wake up with a laugh! Thanks Aileen!
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1428 on: October 14, 2012, 08:07 AM »
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Ha ha ha...Aileen, always waiting for your next one!
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1429 on: October 14, 2012, 11:14 AM »
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Awesome stuff up there.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1430 on: October 23, 2012, 10:21 AM »
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 Dying Scotsman...

 

 

 

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.   While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.    Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.    Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

 

Was it heaven?   Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife, of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

 

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked, by his wife, with a wooden spoon .......

 

“F**k off!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

 
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1431 on: October 23, 2012, 10:23 AM »
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The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass**** with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1432 on: October 23, 2012, 10:26 AM »
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Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London when Paddy looked
in a shop window and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of them and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
When we go in I'll put on my best English accent. You stay quiet! Let
me do all da talking, 'cause if they hear our accents, they will know we
are from Ireland and try to rip us off."

"Roight y'are, Paddy. I'll keep me mouth shut," said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take
50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at £2.50 each."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "We're dry-cleaners".
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1433 on: October 23, 2012, 11:38 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao Brilliant Chris........They fair brightened up a dreich day! Thanks!
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1434 on: October 23, 2012, 06:09 PM »
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I am a big fan of Andy but still found this hilarious..

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1435 on: October 23, 2012, 07:14 PM »
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roflmao roflmao Brilliant Chris........They fair brightened up a dreich day! Thanks!
Same here Chris. Hilarious! Very Happy


I am a big fan of Andy but still found this hilarious..


Aw - poor Andy!  Amusing but a bit unfair given that he was all smiles after winning gold!  Also I googled Kerber & Black because I'd never heard of them and came across a rather nasty cartoon of Andy's reaction to his Wimbledon final loss. Frown

That said, I found that a lot of their cartoons really are funny, especially the political ones, so thanks for directing me to them. Smile  Any place where you can have a good chuckle these days is welcome.  (For anyone else who doesn't know, they're cartoonists for the Daily Mirror).
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1436 on: October 24, 2012, 04:40 AM »
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The missus bought a paperback
down Brixham, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
 
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
 
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
 
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty-four next week.
 
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
 
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and
Said I must dominate her!!
 
Now if you knew our Doris ,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd muttered.
 
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ..
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
 
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
 
Well readers, I can't tell no more
About what occurred  that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1437 on: October 24, 2012, 05:32 AM »
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Same here Chris. Hilarious! Very Happy

Aw - poor Andy!  Amusing but a bit unfair given that he was all smiles after winning gold!  Also I googled Kerber & Black because I'd never heard of them and came across a rather nasty cartoon of Andy's reaction to his Wimbledon final loss. Frown

That said, I found that a lot of their cartoons really are funny, especially the political ones, so thanks for directing me to them. Smile  Any place where you can have a good chuckle these days is welcome.  (For anyone else who doesn't know, they're cartoonists for the Daily Mirror).

Thanks for the info Ail.
Even I came across many cartoons which I also didn't find fair but still made me laugh.
Posting it here may bring some issues so I just left it..
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1438 on: October 24, 2012, 05:37 AM »
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Nice one Aileen...
You sure never disappoint!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1439 on: October 24, 2012, 10:15 AM »
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 Sex in bed Nice one Aileen!
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