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Joke of the day

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1770 on: August 04, 2013, 04:51 AM »
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QUOTES FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn't coming."

23. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

28. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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sidtypical
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grrr...

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1771 on: August 04, 2013, 07:54 AM »
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This is funny Aileen. For some reason no.12 tickles me Very Happy
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1772 on: August 04, 2013, 06:23 PM »
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Loved them all Aileen! Brilliant!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1773 on: August 06, 2013, 05:16 PM »
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A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1774 on: August 06, 2013, 05:18 PM »
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> A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
> "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
> The Scotsman replies,
> "Well ... It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
> The Greek retorts,
> "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
> The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says,
> "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
> And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
> "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
> The Scotsman replies,
> "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1775 on: August 06, 2013, 05:27 PM »
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^^  lmao Great stuff Chris!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1776 on: August 06, 2013, 05:56 PM »
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^ Brilliant, both. lol  Thanks Chris!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1777 on: August 18, 2013, 04:44 AM »
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"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse...and slowly
reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a
crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her, and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"

"No ...no, I haven't" ...he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into
her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said, "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said, becoming even more aroused and excited.

"Well, go and look in the garage!"
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1778 on: August 18, 2013, 08:20 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao I must remember that one Aileen.......Might come in handy!  Whistle
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1779 on: August 26, 2013, 09:09 PM »
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 roflmao roflmao Brilliant Aileen!!!


A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
 
Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
   
The email says:
     
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
Thanks a lot"
 
Moral:
A "space" is an essential part in English.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1780 on: August 26, 2013, 09:43 PM »
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lmao  Love it.  Thanks Chris!
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ProdigyEng
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1781 on: August 26, 2013, 09:58 PM »
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The joke of the day = Roger Frauderer's nose. So big, it's bigger than gangstas penis.
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1782 on: August 26, 2013, 10:00 PM »
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The joke of the day = Roger Frauderer's nose. So big, it's bigger than gangstas penis.

Yeah, my penis is so small I have 8 year old girls wanting to latch onto it. Wink
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ProdigyEng
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1783 on: August 26, 2013, 10:03 PM »
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Yeah, my penis is so small I have 8 year old girls wanting to latch onto it. Wink

Dunno what you're trying to do here, you just OWNED yourself.
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1784 on: August 26, 2013, 10:04 PM »
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Dunno what you're trying to do here, you just OWNED yourself.

Exactly.
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