Home Search Calendar Help Login Register
Did you miss your activation email?
Andy Murray vs Novak Djokovic, Friday, Time - 6:30pm GMT - Discuss the match
MurraysWorld Discussions  >  General Community  >  Chit Chat  >  Joke of the day 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 120 121 122 [123] 124 125 126 ... 134 Go Down Reply
Author

Joke of the day

 (Read 57622 times)
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 36,399

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1830 on: September 28, 2013, 03:46 AM »
Reply

For those of us who remember the late, great Tommy Cooper - and hopefully for those who don't:


1. Two blondes walk into a building ..... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
    The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
    proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
      Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
      'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
      'Is it common?'
      'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.
     'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
     'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
      So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
      Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
      'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
      'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
      'How's that?'
      'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
      I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family,
     so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin,
     or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
      The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
     other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
      They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
     The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater
      Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
      Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
      number to climb as digging continues into the night.
[ Last edit by Aileen September 28, 2013, 01:14 PM ] IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 22,384


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1831 on: September 28, 2013, 07:36 AM »
Reply

^ roflmao roflmao Aileen.....You and dear old Tommy Cooper have brightened my day! Thank you!  hug
IP Logged
Fiverings
ATP Level
***
Posts: 2,708

Gender: Male
Location: Ayrshire


Andy Murray - Tennis Legend

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1832 on: September 28, 2013, 09:47 AM »
Reply

Great Aileen, and thanks to to Caz for clearing up the senior reference to Tommy Trinder. Just like that!
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 22,384


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1833 on: September 28, 2013, 12:35 PM »
Reply

lmao To be honest.....I never even noticed she'd put 'Trinder' at the top! I know she meant to put 'Cooper', because she told me she was going to post them on here! #Igetthosedamnseniormomentstoo   blush
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 36,399

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1834 on: September 28, 2013, 01:14 PM »
Reply

^ Have amended, just to set the record straight! lol
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,162

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1835 on: September 28, 2013, 01:22 PM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Brilliant Aileen, especially No 21!
IP Logged
scotnadian
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,312

Gender: Female
Location: Toronto, Canada (ex Aberdeen, Scotland)


You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1836 on: September 28, 2013, 06:09 PM »
Reply

I adored Tommy Cooper. Thanks, Aileen.

RIP. I still remember watching him when he collapsed on the stage, and we all initially thought it was another one of his gags. What a national treasure he was.

He and Eric Morecambe were my favourites growing up.
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 36,399

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1837 on: September 28, 2013, 07:04 PM »
Reply

^ Thankfully I wasn't watching that, but I've had a look at a brief video clip, and the audience continue laughing until they begin to realise that something isn't right, and then the curtains are closed.  So very sad, but I'm sure that, if it had to be, Tommy wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
IP Logged
Connor
John McEnroe
*********
Posts: 16,124

Gender: Male
Location: Great Britain


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1838 on: September 28, 2013, 07:24 PM »
Reply

^ Thankfully I wasn't watching that, but I've had a look at a brief video clip, and the audience continue laughing until they begin to realise that something isn't right, and then the curtains are closed.  So very sad, but I'm sure that, if it had to be, Tommy wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

A comedian's preferred death is to go out laughing. Cooper got thar.
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 36,399

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1839 on: October 05, 2013, 04:04 AM »
Reply

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
 
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 22,384


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1840 on: October 05, 2013, 12:24 PM »
Reply

 lmao Another cracker Aileen! It must be the way you tell'em!  Very Happy
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,162

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1841 on: October 14, 2013, 10:10 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Nice one Aileen!
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,162

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1842 on: October 14, 2013, 10:10 AM »
Reply

An elderly Scotsman man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon..........

Bugger off she said, they're for the funeral.
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 22,384


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1843 on: October 15, 2013, 06:34 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Brilliant Chris!  w00t
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,290

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1844 on: October 18, 2013, 04:59 PM »
Reply

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with her.
 
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"
 

 













IP Logged
Pages: 1 ... 120 121 122 [123] 124 125 126 ... 134 Go Up Reply 
« previous next »