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Joke of the day

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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1845 on: October 18, 2013, 06:50 PM »
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fainting lmao
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1846 on: October 19, 2013, 08:35 AM »
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lol  Thanks Chris and Nigel!
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IonaRed
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1847 on: October 20, 2013, 11:30 PM »
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Not a joke but I do love this sign.



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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1848 on: October 21, 2013, 04:12 PM »
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A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says, "Righty-ho, son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying, "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says, "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying, "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well, there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically, we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poofter."






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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1849 on: October 21, 2013, 04:16 PM »
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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1850 on: October 22, 2013, 05:48 AM »
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IonaRed....Brilliant! Nigel and Connor.....Thanks for waking me up with a laugh on this dull morning! lmao lmao
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1851 on: October 24, 2013, 11:42 AM »
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Love the sign IonaRed, brilliant. Nice one boys  lmao lmao
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1852 on: October 24, 2013, 11:43 AM »
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Teacher asked the kids in class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs,
take the best ***** with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks,
an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe ,
an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the behavior
 of the child decides not to give importance to what he said, ignores him,
and then continues the lesson.
 
And you, Susie?

           " I wanna be Johnny's *****!"
 
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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1853 on: October 24, 2013, 04:39 PM »
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At  the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books  of a local hospital.  While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the  executive of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
 
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these  plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, what do you do with all  the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, there's no waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
 
 
 
[ Last edit by Grabcopy October 24, 2013, 04:46 PM ] IP Logged
ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1854 on: October 25, 2013, 11:34 AM »
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  ^^ lmao lmao lmao Brilliant!
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tomthoms
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1855 on: October 25, 2013, 11:50 AM »
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Yes, yes, yes! Top marks, Nigel.
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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1856 on: November 03, 2013, 11:33 AM »
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'".

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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1857 on: November 06, 2013, 08:22 AM »
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass must be a foot high."

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1858 on: November 08, 2013, 10:50 PM »
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lmao  Just catching up on all of these.   The auditor one is brilliant Nigel!  (PS - do you also subscribe to A Joke A Day? Whistle)
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1859 on: November 08, 2013, 11:03 PM »
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On the bosom of young Abigail
Was written the price of her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in brail
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