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Joke of the day

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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1890 on: January 17, 2014, 09:08 PM »
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I thought that too Aileen, but the rest were hilarious! Thanks Nigel, for making me laugh on this miserable grey 'wet'  Rolling Eyes day!  lmao
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1891 on: January 20, 2014, 01:13 AM »
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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."

The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets."

The man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 Musketeers."

 Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2."

 The man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

 All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing
 God and banging his head on the wall, so they asked him what's wrong.

 "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1892 on: January 20, 2014, 10:18 AM »
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 lmao lmao Brilliant Aileen!
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1893 on: January 23, 2014, 08:06 PM »
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I was sitting at the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

She shouted back, "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B**TARD.”
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Elly
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The mind doubts, but the heart never does.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1894 on: January 23, 2014, 08:06 PM »
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I was sitting at the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

She shouted back, "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B**TARD.”

Haha! 
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1895 on: January 28, 2014, 01:44 PM »
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lol
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1896 on: January 29, 2014, 07:52 PM »
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A rather old fashioned lady, always quite
delicate and elegant, especially in her
language, was planning a weeks holiday in
Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a
particular camping ground and asked for a
reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping
ground was fully equipped, but didn't know
quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She
just couldn't bring herself to write the word
"toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with
the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but
when she wrote it down, she still thought she
was being too forward, so she started all over
again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the
bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C."
is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit
old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out
what the old lady was talking about, so he
showed the letter around a few of the campers
and the only thing they could come up with
was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he
wrote the following reply -

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your
letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing
you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of
our camping ground, and is capable of seating
250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you
are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt
you will be pleased to know that a great number
of campers go there and many take their lunches
along and make a day of it. They usually arrive
nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years
ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand
up the whole time we were there. It may
interest you to know that there is a special
supper planned there to raise money to buy
more seats so that everyone will be able to sit
in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much
not to be able to go more regularly, but it is
surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I
am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If
you decide to come down to our camping
ground perhaps I could go with you the first
time you go, sit with you and introduce you to
all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community.
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1897 on: February 07, 2014, 07:53 AM »
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And still they come...

A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this
breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma.  Do not make him
perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac.  Please do not cause him to
bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays cricket for England, please don't take the piss out
of him."
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1898 on: February 07, 2014, 08:57 PM »
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roflmao  Thanks Nigel.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1899 on: February 09, 2014, 02:51 PM »
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 lmao lmao love it!
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1900 on: February 14, 2014, 10:34 PM »
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A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in a ‘lovers' lane’, with the car’s interior light glowing brightly.   

He carefully approached the car to get a closer look and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked up to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window and said, “Yes, officer'?

The policeman asked, “What are you doing?”

The young man said, “Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugged casually. “Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.”

By now, the officer was getting confused - a young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a lover's lane and nothing intimate was happening.

He asked the driver, "What is your age, young man?”

The young man said, “I'm 22, sir.”

The policeman asked, “And what's her age?”

The young man looked at his watch and replied, “She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.”
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1901 on: February 14, 2014, 10:40 PM »
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lol  Nice one Nigel.
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Bluesky1
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1902 on: February 19, 2014, 04:09 AM »
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Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together. After a week they are thoroughly bored. The men decide that if they change partners maybe life will take on new meaning. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying. The morning after the exchange, one fellow says: ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1903 on: February 22, 2014, 12:37 PM »
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A young girl walked into a supermarket and on her way round she sees

the bloke who had sex with her the previous evening, after they met
in a pub.
 
He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.

"You lying ****" she yells!! "Last night you told me you were a
stunt pilot"
 
"No" he says.

"I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team".





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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1904 on: February 22, 2014, 01:40 PM »
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lmao Good one.....Thanks Nigel!
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