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Joke of the day

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davidB
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #75 on: December 13, 2007, 07:59 PM »
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Guess what landed in my back garden earlier?

David Beckham's penalty.
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Neil
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #76 on: December 13, 2007, 10:35 PM »
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roflmao upfunny Dave that is pure genius!
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davidB
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #77 on: December 13, 2007, 11:04 PM »
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I found it on another messageboard, but I thought it was genius too...
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #78 on: December 14, 2007, 03:42 PM »
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Guess what landed in my back garden earlier?

David Beckham's penalty.

lmao
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
[ Last edit by ColdMarek December 14, 2007, 03:47 PM ] IP Logged
Bevc
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #79 on: January 18, 2008, 08:36 AM »
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Subject: FW: The elderly couple          

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup downbetween them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the peoplearound them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turnssipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered 'The Teeth!' Very Happy
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #80 on: January 18, 2008, 02:42 PM »
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."
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Neil
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #81 on: January 18, 2008, 02:49 PM »
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."


LOL lol lmao
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Mark
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #82 on: January 18, 2008, 03:07 PM »
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Oh dear roflmao
[ Last edit by Mark January 18, 2008, 03:07 PM ] IP Logged
Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #83 on: January 18, 2008, 03:11 PM »
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A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #84 on: January 18, 2008, 03:14 PM »
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A young girl works in a brothel and of course she wants to keep it secret in front of her family. One evening a raid takes place in the brothel and all prostitutes must come out and line up on the street.
The grandma of this young girl turns around the corner that moment. She watches the activities and of course runs toward her granddaughter.
The grandma asks: "What are you doing here. Why are you in that row?"
The girl answers: "Oh, oranges are given away over there. I’m standing here to get some."
The grandma delighted: "I also do this." The girl didn’t know what to say and so she said nothing. Te grandma goes at the end of the row and stands in line. All girls are heard by the police meanwhile and as the policeman arrived at her he looks quite doubtingly.
"What? You also? In your age? How do you do this, then?"
The grandma: "Oh, it’s very simple. I take my teeth out and suck them out."

Very Happy
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Mark
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #85 on: January 18, 2008, 03:18 PM »
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Oh Marek! Just went you thought it couldn't get any worse lol
[ Last edit by Mark January 18, 2008, 03:19 PM ] IP Logged
Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #86 on: January 18, 2008, 03:24 PM »
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A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.""Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.""It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism."This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........."Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

Whistle
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Neil
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #87 on: January 18, 2008, 03:40 PM »
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A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.""Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.""It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism."This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........."Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

Whistle


Lol, been posted before but it's a good one. thumb up
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Tommy
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woo hoo

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #88 on: January 18, 2008, 06:59 PM »
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lol I've never read it. Loved it though.
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Bevc
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #89 on: January 19, 2008, 01:54 AM »
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."


lmao clap
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