Home Search Calendar Help Login Register
Did you miss your activation email?
MurraysWorld Discussions  >  General Community  >  Chit Chat  >  Joke of the day 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 ... 135 Go Down Reply
Author

Joke of the day

 (Read 60021 times)
Tommy
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,842

Gender: Male
Location: Banbury, Oxfordshire


woo hoo

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #90 on: January 19, 2008, 04:06 AM »
Reply


Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."


OMG lol Classic
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #91 on: January 19, 2008, 08:54 AM »
Reply

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #92 on: January 19, 2008, 08:56 AM »
Reply

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #93 on: January 19, 2008, 08:57 AM »
Reply

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away"!!
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #94 on: January 19, 2008, 09:02 AM »
Reply

During a Sunday church service in England,
a collection is taken. After the money is counted,
the vicar says, "We've taken twenty-one pounds and a penny.
I suppose that means there's a visitor from Scotland in our church today."
Suddenly, a voice pipes up from the back,
"You are wrong, sir. There are in fact two of us."
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #95 on: January 21, 2008, 05:45 PM »
Reply

Jamaican Math Test

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"
IP Logged
Tommy
World No 1
*******
Posts: 12,842

Gender: Male
Location: Banbury, Oxfordshire


woo hoo

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #96 on: January 21, 2008, 08:13 PM »
Reply

Ha ha... kinda strange. lol
IP Logged
Sarah_
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,495

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #97 on: January 21, 2008, 09:49 PM »
Reply


A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


This one really made me laugh!
IP Logged
measdale
ATP Level
***
Posts: 2,035

Gender: Male
Location: Edinburgh


My life, currently

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #98 on: January 22, 2008, 10:35 AM »
Reply

Jamaican Math Test

Weird - heard that joke recently, but it was an Irishman!

Think P'raps the guy just couldn't do Jamaican accents ...

... which reminds me of an old one:

There’s this guy who’s been going out with a girl called Wendy for a while. And she asks him to get her name tattooed onto his penis, as a commitment that he’ll never sleep with anyone else.
After a bit of thought he decides that yes, he’s that committed to her, so he gets the tattoo done.
And when it’s limp, it says We . . y, and when it’s erect it says Wendy.

Anyway, one day a few months later, he’s in the toilet at the pub and standing next to him is this big black guy. He can’t help looking across, and is startled to see We . . y tattooed along the black guy’s limp penis.
Unable to believe the co-incidence, and suddenly very suspicious, he points at the man’s penis and asks,
- Did you go out with a girl called Wendy?
- Why do you tink dat?
- Isn't that a tattoo saying “Wendy” on your penis?
The black guy laughs and explains:
- No man, it say ‘Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your holiday.’

Very Happy
[ Last edit by measdale January 22, 2008, 12:45 PM ] IP Logged
Neil
John McEnroe
*********
Posts: 16,735

Gender: Male


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #99 on: January 22, 2008, 12:36 PM »
Reply

lmao
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #100 on: January 24, 2008, 06:55 AM »
Reply

Haha
IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #101 on: January 31, 2008, 09:43 AM »
Reply

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
IP Logged
measdale
ATP Level
***
Posts: 2,035

Gender: Male
Location: Edinburgh


My life, currently

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #102 on: January 31, 2008, 10:04 AM »
Reply

Ain't it the truth ...

roflmao
[ Last edit by measdale January 31, 2008, 10:04 AM ] IP Logged
Coldmarek
Top Seed
*****
Posts: 5,197

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #103 on: January 31, 2008, 12:13 PM »
Reply

School 1960 vs. School 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill

1960 - Ants die.

2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a $exual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
IP Logged
Neil
John McEnroe
*********
Posts: 16,735

Gender: Male


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #104 on: January 31, 2008, 12:26 PM »
Reply

So true.... that's what I hate about today.... all of the above. (well, bar the beating you got in school - but other than that)
IP Logged
Pages: 1 ... 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 ... 135 Go Up Reply 
« previous next »