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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 40289 times)
ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1110 on: April 04, 2012, 08:04 PM »
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Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus , who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No this'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'


WAIT FOR IT



'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me that shovel.'
 
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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1111 on: April 06, 2012, 12:39 PM »
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 lmao lmao Totally brilliant! I'll have to remember that one to tell my grandson.....He loves Irish jokes! Thanks Chris!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1112 on: April 06, 2012, 07:14 PM »
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lol  Nice one!
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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1113 on: April 08, 2012, 02:29 AM »
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Happy Easter!

* easter bunnies.png (115.76 KB, 457x343 - viewed 101 times.)
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1114 on: April 08, 2012, 04:34 AM »
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lmao
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1115 on: April 09, 2012, 04:46 AM »
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Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'
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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1116 on: April 09, 2012, 07:32 AM »
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 lmao lmao Goog one Aileen! I'll save it for my grandson!
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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1117 on: April 09, 2012, 07:34 AM »
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Quote from: scotnadian on April 08, 2012, 02:29 AM
Happy Easter!

w00t  lmao Nice one Scot......and Happy Easter to you too!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1118 on: April 09, 2012, 10:11 AM »
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 lmao lmao Love it Aileen, thanks. Thanks scotn, Happy Easter to you too!
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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1119 on: April 10, 2012, 09:20 PM »
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing---- "
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1120 on: April 11, 2012, 03:32 AM »
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roflmao



Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered.“ I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In !”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s voice softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.
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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1121 on: April 11, 2012, 07:24 AM »
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 lmao lmao Thanks for the laugh Aileen and Scot!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1122 on: April 11, 2012, 08:21 PM »
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Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1123 on: April 12, 2012, 04:02 AM »
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lol



A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was yet another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1124 on: April 12, 2012, 06:29 AM »
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Quote from: Aileen on April 12, 2012, 04:02 AM
lol



A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was yet another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
   roflmao roflmao
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