Joke of the day

Hazybear

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1380 on: August 29, 2012, 11:12 AM »

love it!


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Coldmarek

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1381 on: August 30, 2012, 10:27 PM »


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ChrisMac

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1382 on: August 31, 2012, 08:27 PM »

Quote from: Aileen on August 29, 2012, 03:17 AM

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Nice one!!


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Aileen

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1383 on: September 01, 2012, 05:41 AM »

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery one winter's evening when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Twenty minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another twenty minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another twenty minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still so very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."


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Caz

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1384 on: September 01, 2012, 08:54 AM »


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Coldmarek

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1385 on: September 02, 2012, 10:44 AM »

Exactly!


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ChrisMac

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1386 on: September 02, 2012, 03:26 PM »


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Aileen

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1387 on: September 10, 2012, 03:52 PM »

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells. . ......
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
(Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco)

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
(Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
(Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg)

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .. ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
(Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR)

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . .. . had to mow the lawn.'
(Submitted by RN no name)

Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


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Caz

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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1388 on: September 10, 2012, 04:40 PM »

Lov'em Aileen!


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scotnadian

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1389 on: September 10, 2012, 04:41 PM »

omg Aileen. Just what I needed. Thanks and hahahaha!!


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Aileen

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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1390 on: September 12, 2012, 02:40 AM »

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the
back, when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.