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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 49061 times)
Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1410 on: September 19, 2012, 04:03 PM »
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Then there was Our Father Stewart in Heaven......... Very Happy
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1411 on: September 19, 2012, 04:42 PM »
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lol
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1412 on: September 20, 2012, 12:07 AM »
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the
solution..'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.....
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1413 on: September 20, 2012, 12:31 AM »
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roflmao  Thanks Chris!
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1414 on: September 20, 2012, 01:58 PM »
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Good one Chris. lmao
Your joke reminded me of another funny/rude parrot.
Here's Sparky, the Scottish parrot:

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1415 on: September 20, 2012, 02:11 PM »
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That's amazing.  Sounds like a parrot version of Billy Connolly. Very Happy
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1416 on: September 20, 2012, 03:13 PM »
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While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry', says St. Peter, 'but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, the 24 hours is up and it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a very pleasant time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I've decided I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday, we were campaigning ..... Today, you voted.'
LMAO this is insane. I dropped my fork while eating my lunch.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1417 on: September 20, 2012, 04:52 PM »
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lol  I definitely rate it as one of the cleverest and funniest jokes ever.
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1418 on: September 20, 2012, 05:45 PM »
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Nice one ChrisMac!!!
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1419 on: September 20, 2012, 05:48 PM »
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
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Coldmarek
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Posts: 5,112

Gender: Female
Location: Grays, Essex


Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1420 on: September 20, 2012, 05:51 PM »
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”
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Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 20,477


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1421 on: September 21, 2012, 06:54 AM »
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the
solution..'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.....
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

   lmao roflmao Thanks for waking me uo with a laugh! Great one Chris!
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Caz
Murraymaniac
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Posts: 20,477


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1422 on: September 21, 2012, 06:56 AM »
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Good one Chris. lmao
Your joke reminded me of another funny/rude parrot.
Here's Sparky, the Scottish parrot:


     lmao    That's brilliant Scot!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1423 on: September 21, 2012, 11:05 AM »
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Good one Chris. lmao
Your joke reminded me of another funny/rude parrot.
Here's Sparky, the Scottish parrot:



 roflmao roflmao That was great!!! scotnadian!  lmao
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1424 on: September 28, 2012, 03:07 AM »
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 THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM GCSE SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:


   Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

   Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

   The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

   Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

   The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

   The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

   A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

   The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

   The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

   To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

   Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

   Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

   Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

   A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

   The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

   The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
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