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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 39870 times)
Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1440 on: October 24, 2012, 04:27 PM »
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Quote from: ChrisMac on October 24, 2012, 10:15 AM
Sex in bed Nice one Aileen!
lol Love the emoticon Chris.  I used it once jokingly on the forum and got a ticking off from somebody (female).  A bit prudish if you ask me! Rolling Eyes
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Caz
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Posts: 14,234


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1441 on: October 25, 2012, 10:17 AM »
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Quote from: Aileen on October 24, 2012, 04:40 AM
The missus bought a paperback
down Brixham, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
 
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
 
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
 
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty-four next week.
 
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
 
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and
Said I must dominate her!!
 
Now if you knew our Doris ,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd muttered.
 
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ..
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
 
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
 
Well readers, I can't tell no more
About what occurred  that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Aileen!  fainting Dirty girl!  Whistle
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1442 on: October 25, 2012, 10:19 AM »
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Quote from: Aileen on October 24, 2012, 04:27 PM
lol Love the emoticon Chris.  I used it once jokingly on the forum and got a ticking off from somebody (female).  A bit prudish if you ask me! Rolling Eyes
Here's another even dirtier one!  smiley sex
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1443 on: October 25, 2012, 11:02 PM »
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Quote from: Caz on October 25, 2012, 10:17 AM
Aileen!  fainting Dirty girl!  Whistle
Don't blame me, blame my cousin for corrupting my mind!  innocent


Quote from: Caz on October 25, 2012, 10:19 AM
Here's another even dirtier one!  smiley sex
Yes I had noticed that one ... lol
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Mark
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1444 on: November 02, 2012, 11:56 PM »
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scotnadian
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Location: Toronto, Canada (ex Aberdeen, Scotland)


You ain't seen nothing yet...
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1445 on: November 03, 2012, 02:49 AM »
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I must be 'normal' then.. my immediate thought was why don't you just pull the plug. Smile
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1446 on: November 03, 2012, 06:43 AM »
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Good one Mark! I'm with you on the bucket, but I bags the bed by the window!  lmao
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1447 on: November 03, 2012, 09:43 AM »
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 lmao lmao Nice one Mark!
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Coldmarek
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Location: Grays, Essex


Andy Murray is better than you.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1448 on: November 11, 2012, 02:03 AM »
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lmao lmao
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1449 on: November 13, 2012, 02:20 AM »
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your
 time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Caz
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Posts: 14,234


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1450 on: November 13, 2012, 06:21 AM »
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 lmao lmao Good one Aileen!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1451 on: November 13, 2012, 09:17 PM »
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The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
"Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When
you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there
at attention?
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said, "No, no I didn't! All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
couple of old duffel bags."
 
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1452 on: November 13, 2012, 09:21 PM »
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 lmao lmao Lol!!! Like it Aileen!
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Aileen
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Posts: 22,904

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1453 on: November 13, 2012, 11:56 PM »
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And yours is pretty good too, Chris. lol
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Aileen
Murraymaniac
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Posts: 22,904

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1454 on: November 14, 2012, 01:54 AM »
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IT'S THE WAY THEY TELL 'EM .....


   Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

  "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

  Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

  Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

  Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

  Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
  bloody thing up.

  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

  Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
  contractions are only two minutes apart!"

  "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

  "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

  Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
  avoid a tree, then another, then another.

  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

  Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
  about!"

  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

  An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

  His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

  "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

  "Here boy" he replies.

  ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

  Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
  Feet.

  "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

  "Hangin' meself" Paddy replies.

  "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

  "I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

  --------------------------------------------

  An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers
  always fall backwards off their boats?"

  To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
  In the boat.
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