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Joke of the day
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Topic: Joke of the day (Read 39705 times)
ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1455 on: November 14, 2012, 01:34 PM »
Love, the Irish jokes, Aileen!
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Caz
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 14,166
I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1456 on: November 14, 2012, 09:14 PM »
So do I.........and yours too Chris!
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Aileen
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Posts: 22,729
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Location: Edinburgh
Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1457 on: November 16, 2012, 04:13 AM »
It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates
feeling thoroughly bored. He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of
three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds. The
first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and
ashen face.
"What happened to you?" asked the saint.
"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and
looking very guilty. I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the
rails around our balcony. I was so angry that I rushed out and
pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes
below. I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on
top of him . . . . . . then I had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him
through. By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair
of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.
"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter. "That's what happens when you
go to bed with another man's wife!"
"What?? No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man. "It was a
sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony. Suddenly I
slipped and fell over the railings. I just managed to grab and hang
on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on
my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below. When he saw I was still
alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"
St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.
The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his
neck, arrived at the Gates.
"And how did you get here?" asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.
"I really don't know . . . " said the man. "I was making a house call
on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu.
While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door. She
panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and
before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."
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Caz
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 14,166
I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1458 on: November 16, 2012, 08:28 AM »
Brilliant Aileen!
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Sabine
Top Seed
Posts: 5,665
Gender:
You mesmerize me, Andy
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1459 on: November 16, 2012, 03:31 PM »
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Caz
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 14,166
I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1460 on: November 16, 2012, 07:24 PM »
Luv it Zar!
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Aileen
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Posts: 22,729
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Location: Edinburgh
Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1461 on: November 16, 2012, 07:48 PM »
Indeed!
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ChrisMac
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Posts: 8,740
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1462 on: November 17, 2012, 10:46 AM »
A beautiful fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said:
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to
Sweet ****-all like the rest of us.
And she disappeared !
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ChrisMac
Veteran
Posts: 8,740
Gender:
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1463 on: November 17, 2012, 10:48 AM »
It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates
feeling thoroughly bored. He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of
three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds. The
first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and
ashen face.
"What happened to you?" asked the saint.
"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and
looking very guilty. I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the
rails around our balcony. I was so angry that I rushed out and
pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes
below. I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on
top of him . . . . . . then I had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him
through. By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair
of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.
"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter. "That's what happens when you
go to bed with another man's wife!"
"What?? No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man. "It was a
sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony. Suddenly I
slipped and fell over the railings. I just managed to grab and hang
on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on
my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below. When he saw I was still
alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"
St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.
The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his
neck, arrived at the Gates.
"And how did you get here?" asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.
"I really don't know . . . " said the man. "I was making a house call
on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu.
While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door. She
panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and
before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."
Thanks Aileen!
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Aileen
Murraymaniac
Posts: 22,729
Gender:
Location: Edinburgh
Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Show donations
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1464 on: November 17, 2012, 02:03 PM »
Quote from: ChrisMac on November 17, 2012, 10:46 AM
A beautiful fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said:
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to
Sweet ****-all like the rest of us.
And she disappeared !
Thanks Chris. If only it could really happen!
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Caz
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 14,166
I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1465 on: November 17, 2012, 04:04 PM »
Another great one Chris! Thanks!
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Aileen
Murraymaniac
Posts: 22,729
Gender:
Location: Edinburgh
Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
Show donations
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1466 on: November 22, 2012, 04:38 AM »
EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS WRITTEN BY COUNCIL TENANTS
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
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Caz
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 14,166
I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1467 on: November 22, 2012, 07:05 AM »
Thanks Aileen! Nearly fell off my chair laughing!
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ChrisMac
Veteran
Posts: 8,740
Gender:
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1468 on: November 22, 2012, 01:44 PM »
Lol!!
Aileen you have cheered me up, on such a horrible day!
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ChrisMac
Veteran
Posts: 8,740
Gender:
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1469 on: November 22, 2012, 01:44 PM »
A SMART REDHEAD
David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of England .
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, £200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was,
'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
My panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,
And keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my flat and
Screw me the way you have retirees,
Then you can have it for free, like everything the immigrants get.
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[
98
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