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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 49226 times)
ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1455 on: November 14, 2012, 01:34 PM »
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  roflmao    Love, the Irish jokes, Aileen!
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1456 on: November 14, 2012, 09:14 PM »
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So do I.........and yours too Chris!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1457 on: November 16, 2012, 04:13 AM »
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It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates  
feeling thoroughly bored.  He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of  
three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds.  The  
first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and  
ashen face.

"What happened to you?" asked the saint.

"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and  
looking very guilty.  I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the  
rails around our balcony.  I was so angry that I rushed out and  
pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes  
below.  I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on  
top of him  .  .  .  .  .  .  then I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him  
through.  By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair  
of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.

"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter.  "That's what happens when you  
go to bed with another man's wife!"

"What??  No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man.  "It was a  
sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony.  Suddenly I  
slipped and fell over the railings.  I just managed to grab and hang  
on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on  
my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below.  When he saw I was still  
alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"

St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.

The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his  
neck, arrived at the Gates.

"And how did you get here?"  asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.

"I really don't know . . . " said the man.  "I was making a house call  
on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu.  
While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door.  She  
panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and  
before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1458 on: November 16, 2012, 08:28 AM »
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 lmao lmao roflmao roflmao Brilliant Aileen!
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Sabine
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You mesmerize me, Andy

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1459 on: November 16, 2012, 03:31 PM »
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1460 on: November 16, 2012, 07:24 PM »
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 lmao lmao Luv it Zar!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1461 on: November 16, 2012, 07:48 PM »
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Indeed! lol
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1462 on: November 17, 2012, 10:46 AM »
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A beautiful  fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant  outside the Social Security  Offices.

 

   
   

'My good  man,' the fairy said, 
'I've been told  to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just  arrived in England with your wife and seven  children.'
   
   The man told the  fairy: 
'Well, where I  come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new  teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy  looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING   !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in  his mouth!
 
'What else?'  asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The  refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big  house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight  bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee  relatives who still live in my country.
I want to  bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance  there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three  car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a  BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of  his nephews playing their  music.
 
'One more  wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her  wand.

I want to be  English with English clothes instead of rags, and  shawl and I want to have white skin like the  English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed,  wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark  T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad  teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the  horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he  wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa  Gold Card?'

The fairy  said:
 
'Tough luck. Now  that you are English, you're entitled  to

Sweet  ****-all like the rest  of us.           

And she  disappeared !

 
 
 
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1463 on: November 17, 2012, 10:48 AM »
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It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates 
feeling thoroughly bored.  He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of 
three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds.  The 
first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and 
ashen face.

"What happened to you?" asked the saint.

"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and 
looking very guilty.  I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the 
rails around our balcony.  I was so angry that I rushed out and 
pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes 
below.  I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on 
top of him  .  .  .  .  .  .  then I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him 
through.  By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair 
of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.

"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter.  "That's what happens when you 
go to bed with another man's wife!"

"What??  No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man.  "It was a 
sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony.  Suddenly I 
slipped and fell over the railings.  I just managed to grab and hang 
on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on 
my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below.  When he saw I was still 
alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"

St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.

The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his 
neck, arrived at the Gates.

"And how did you get here?"  asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.

"I really don't know . . . " said the man.  "I was making a house call 
on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu.   
While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door.  She 
panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and 
before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."

 lmao lmao Thanks Aileen!
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Aileen
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Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1464 on: November 17, 2012, 02:03 PM »
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A beautiful  fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant  outside the Social Security  Offices.

 

   
   

'My good  man,' the fairy said, 
'I've been told  to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just  arrived in England with your wife and seven  children.'
   
   The man told the  fairy: 
'Well, where I  come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new  teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy  looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING   !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in  his mouth!
 
'What else?'  asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The  refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big  house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight  bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee  relatives who still live in my country.
I want to  bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance  there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three  car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a  BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of  his nephews playing their  music.
 
'One more  wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her  wand.

I want to be  English with English clothes instead of rags, and  shawl and I want to have white skin like the  English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed,  wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark  T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad  teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the  horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he  wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa  Gold Card?'

The fairy  said:
 
'Tough luck. Now  that you are English, you're entitled  to

Sweet  ****-all like the rest  of us.           

And she  disappeared !
roflmao  Thanks Chris.  If only it could really happen!
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Caz
Murraymaniac
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Posts: 20,524


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1465 on: November 17, 2012, 04:04 PM »
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 lmao lmao Another great one Chris! Thanks!
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1466 on: November 22, 2012, 04:38 AM »
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EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS WRITTEN BY COUNCIL TENANTS

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
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Caz
Murraymaniac
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Posts: 20,524


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1467 on: November 22, 2012, 07:05 AM »
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 lmao lmao Thanks Aileen! Nearly fell off my chair laughing!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1468 on: November 22, 2012, 01:44 PM »
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Lol!!   lmao  Aileen you have cheered me up, on such a horrible day!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1469 on: November 22, 2012, 01:44 PM »
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A SMART REDHEAD


 
David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of England .
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, £200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was,




'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
My panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,
And keep it rising like the price of gas,
Keep me warmer than it is in my flat and
Screw me the way you have retirees,
Then you can have it for free, like everything the immigrants get.
 
 
 

 
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