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Joke of the day

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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1485 on: December 04, 2012, 11:30 AM »
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I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to do it to you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

 She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

 For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan!!
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1486 on: December 04, 2012, 11:31 AM »
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
 A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" !!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1487 on: December 09, 2012, 11:32 AM »
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 lmao lmao
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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1488 on: December 10, 2012, 04:10 PM »
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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with "tor" that eats
things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f**king batteries like
there's no tomorrow."
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Coldmarek
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Location: Grays, Essex


Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1489 on: December 10, 2012, 11:11 PM »
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lmao
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1490 on: December 10, 2012, 11:15 PM »
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lol  Nice one Nigel!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1491 on: December 13, 2012, 11:15 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao love it Nigel!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1492 on: December 15, 2012, 10:00 PM »
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A lady helps her man install a new computer.
 
Once it is completed,
 
She tells him to select a password,
 
a word that he'll always remember.
 
as the computer asks him to enter it,
 
he looks at his wife and with a macho
 
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects
 
a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
 
when he selects: penis.
 
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
 
his wife collapses with laughter and
 
rolls on the floor in hysteria .
 
 
 
The computer had replied:
 
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
 
 
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tomthoms
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1493 on: December 16, 2012, 02:21 AM »
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PRUDE ALERT!

The Apache have finally captured the Lone Ranger and have been celebrating the capture by practising some nasty Apache-type torture on him for an hour or two before they grant him his final wish. (The Apache were considerate like that) Old Lone puts the thumb and middle finger of his right hand into his mouth and blows his Silver whistle. Within a few minutes Silver can be seen rising over the top of a distant ridge, coming galloping on until he comes to a sliding stop in front of the ranger who takes Silver by the mane and brings the horse’s ear down to his lips and whispers. After this, Silver quickly turns and gallops off – with purpose -- in the direction he came from until he disappears over the ridge top again.

After some time – of ranger thumb-twiddling and toe-tapping and Apache smoke-pipe puffing and a dancing and a howling in  typical Apache fashion -- Silver is once again seen on the ridge top but this time there was a young naked woman on his back (He pick her up from the near-by town’s local saloon. Her name was Magil and she called herself Lil but everyone knew her as Nancy) Again he comes galloping up and again he comes to a sliding stop in front of the ranger and as soon as he does so, Nancy jumps off his back, opens her legs wide and commences to erotically rub herself all over the ranger’s face! He responds by aggressively pushing Nancy aside, thrusting the thumb and middle finger of his right hand into Silver’s nostrils, drags his head down till his ear is by the ranger’s mouth then he shouts “I said posse, you stupid *******!!”
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1494 on: December 16, 2012, 06:52 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao Luv it Tom........Yours too Nigel!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1495 on: December 19, 2012, 03:43 PM »
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lmao  Thanks Tom and Chris.
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1496 on: December 20, 2012, 07:59 AM »
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    doh  Sorry Chris........don't know how I missed your's, but I loved it! 
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1497 on: December 20, 2012, 01:59 PM »
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The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.  That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1498 on: December 20, 2012, 02:46 PM »
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 roflmao roflmao Love it Aileen, so very true!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1499 on: December 21, 2012, 01:32 AM »
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MORE IRISH JOKES

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign that read TREE FELLERS WANTED. "Oh, now, look at that," said Paddy. "What a pity there's only de two of us!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

Murphy took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. He went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was stranded for an hour when the escalator broke down?

And what about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the poor lasses must be gravely ill.
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