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Joke of the day

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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1560 on: February 03, 2013, 01:21 PM »
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 70ish sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penny and she was sobbing her eyes
out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 32 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee.

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal and wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying ?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"


 roflmao roflmao roflmao That is top notch!!! I'd be crying as well... fainting
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1561 on: February 03, 2013, 06:18 PM »
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Very lucky lady to have a 32 year old husband like that in the first place ... Very Happy

Great joke, though Gangsta!
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1562 on: February 03, 2013, 08:07 PM »
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Awesome jokes,keep them rollin lol
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1563 on: February 03, 2013, 08:16 PM »
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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1564 on: February 03, 2013, 08:20 PM »
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One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1565 on: February 03, 2013, 08:52 PM »
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lmao  lmao  Nice ones again, Gangsta!
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1566 on: February 03, 2013, 08:54 PM »
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The first one was a killer for sure.
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Sabine
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^_^

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1567 on: February 04, 2013, 12:28 PM »
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lmao lmao

Thanks for the laugh, Gangsta!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1568 on: February 05, 2013, 11:25 PM »
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 Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the  bloody height, and she gives us the length.'

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1569 on: February 06, 2013, 02:47 AM »
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lmao
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1570 on: February 06, 2013, 07:20 AM »
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Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1571 on: February 06, 2013, 10:33 AM »
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I  came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage. A  poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not
eaten for two  days." I  told him "I wish I had your will power.."

I  took my Biology exam last Friday. I  was asked to name two things
commonly found in  cells. Apparently  "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos"
were not the correct  answers.

A  fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "sorry
about the wait." I said "don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

I  walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When  I came out, he looked at me and said "Any  change?" I said "No, you're
still black".

Snow  in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I  thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the  road. A  man asks him
"What's wrong?" The  boy says "Me ma is dead".  "Oh  bejaysus" the man says
"Do you want me to  call Father  O' Riley for you ?" The  boy replies "No
tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years  ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But  since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works better !

Japanese  scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter  speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

I  hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself .......
I'm going to have that.

Man  in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up
there."

I  had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question .......
which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the
curliest hair?' Apparently  the correct answer was Fiji  .

A  woman has a medical at the Doctors; "you are grossly overweight" he says.
"I  want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed " OK- you're bloody ugly as well"
 
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1572 on: February 06, 2013, 10:41 AM »
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The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Obama was awakened at 4 am by  the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!  I've just received word that the Durex  factory in Washington has burned to the ground.   It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be  used up by the end of the week."

 

Obama:    "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be  ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."

 

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada ?"

 

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and  three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect  us  as Americans."

 

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick,  exactly as requested... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:

 




 

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE:  SMALL
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1573 on: February 06, 2013, 08:19 PM »
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roflmao  Thanks Chris and Gangsta.  Brilliant!
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1574 on: February 06, 2013, 08:31 PM »
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There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
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