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Joke of the day

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1575 on: February 07, 2013, 12:19 AM »
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There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
lmao  That's a cracker Gangsta!
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1576 on: February 07, 2013, 07:47 AM »
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Those were some siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick jokes,I loved the coffee break in hell and the last one was brutal too.
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Sabine
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1577 on: February 07, 2013, 08:04 AM »
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There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".

roflmao roflmao

That is an awesome joke, gangsta!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1578 on: February 07, 2013, 11:36 AM »
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 lmao lmao A cracker Gangsta!!!!
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1579 on: February 07, 2013, 04:13 PM »
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More to come...
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1580 on: February 08, 2013, 03:59 AM »
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One night, this guy is invited out for a night with his mates.
He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m.
Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized that she’d probably wake up, so he was quite proud of
himself when he thought to say 'cuckoo' nine more times.
He got into bed and fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, “Twelve".
She didn’t seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said “Oh, crap,”
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1581 on: February 08, 2013, 11:22 AM »
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 lmao lmao Thanks Aileen, my first laugh of the day!
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Sabine
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1582 on: February 08, 2013, 12:40 PM »
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^^ Nice one, Ail! lmao
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1583 on: February 08, 2013, 05:39 PM »
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Elly
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1584 on: February 08, 2013, 05:45 PM »
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

lol  lol

A man is lying in hospital wearing a gown and an oxygen mask.

'Nurse' he mumbles 'Are my testicles black?'

The nurse raises his gown and has a close look and feel. 'There's nothing wrong with them' she says.

The patient pulls of his oxygen mask - smiles at the nurse and says -

'Very Nice, thanks for that - lovely...

'But I said - Are my test results back?'
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Sabine
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1585 on: February 08, 2013, 05:54 PM »
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lol  lol

A man is lying in hospital wearing a gown and an oxygen mask.

'Nurse' he mumbles 'Are my testicles black?'

The nurse raises his gown and has a close look and feel. 'There's nothing wrong with them' she says.

The patient pulls of his oxygen mask - smiles at the nurse and says -

'Very Nice, thanks for that - lovely...

'But I said - Are my test results back?'


roflmao

And your too, gangsta! lmao
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1586 on: February 09, 2013, 03:20 AM »
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lmao   Hilarious both!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1587 on: February 09, 2013, 11:57 AM »
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 lmao lmao Hilarious, thanks both!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1588 on: February 13, 2013, 05:31 PM »
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An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river.
 
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
 
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon
he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and  asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath,
and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1589 on: February 13, 2013, 06:10 PM »
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 roflmao roflmao roflmao Thats Brilliant Aileen! I cannae stop laughing!!
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