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Joke of the day

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1605 on: February 20, 2013, 02:51 AM »
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Three americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.

While there, they are attacked by cannibals. The cannibals say they'll eat them if they dont complete 2 tasks. They agree.

The first task is to go in to the center of the jungle and collect eight of of one fruit. The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes. They all sit and wait for the third, Roy but they don't see him so they just go on without him.

The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their ass showing no emotion on their face. Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned. Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.

Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free.", Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."
Good one, Connor. Very Happy
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1606 on: February 20, 2013, 05:48 AM »
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A church Minister's wife was expecting their first child,
so he went to the congregation and asked for a pay rise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay cheque

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold another meeting to review his pay situation.
As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said...
"Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1607 on: February 20, 2013, 11:38 AM »
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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1608 on: February 20, 2013, 11:39 AM »
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Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1609 on: February 20, 2013, 11:40 AM »
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A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1610 on: February 20, 2013, 02:00 PM »
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A church Minister's wife was expecting their first child,
so he went to the congregation and asked for a pay rise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay cheque

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold another meeting to review his pay situation.
As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said...
"Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."


 lmao lmao Brilliant Aileen!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1611 on: February 20, 2013, 02:00 PM »
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He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he savoured the moment.
 
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...
and again....and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.
 
Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
Her whole body was taught and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said .......
 
 ...
 
 
 
 
 .......
 
 
 
 
"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T park the car!!!!
 
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1612 on: February 20, 2013, 06:01 PM »
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roflmao  Thanks Chris and Coldmarek.
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Elly
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1613 on: February 20, 2013, 06:03 PM »
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^  Those are all good.  lol
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1614 on: February 20, 2013, 08:15 PM »
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A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."
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Elly
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The mind doubts, but the heart never does.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1615 on: February 20, 2013, 08:17 PM »
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^ That's hilarious!  lol
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1616 on: February 20, 2013, 08:18 PM »
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Very dirty though, Aileen will not approve.
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bubbles80
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1617 on: February 20, 2013, 08:23 PM »
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I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
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Elly
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The mind doubts, but the heart never does.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1618 on: February 20, 2013, 08:25 PM »
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I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
lol  Very good!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1619 on: February 21, 2013, 02:07 AM »
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^ Nice one. Very Happy


Very dirty though, Aileen will not approve.
I think it's hilarious too.  Come on Connor, it must be obvious by now that I ain't no prude!

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