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Joke of the day

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Sabine
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^_^

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1620 on: February 21, 2013, 06:34 AM »
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I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"

I like it lol
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Sabine
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1621 on: February 21, 2013, 06:34 AM »
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A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

lmao And this one too!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1622 on: February 21, 2013, 11:22 AM »
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I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"

 roflmao roflmao Brilliant!

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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1623 on: February 21, 2013, 11:55 AM »
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^ Nice one. Very Happy

I think it's hilarious too.  Come on Connor, it must be obvious by now that I ain't no prude!



True, I like your sense of humour Very Happy
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Coldmarek
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1624 on: February 21, 2013, 03:36 PM »
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A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

Motherfuckin hell LOL
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1625 on: February 21, 2013, 04:56 PM »
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True, I like your sense of humour Very Happy
Just so long as a joke isn't too dirty ... there are limits. Smile
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1626 on: February 23, 2013, 04:35 PM »
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This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the
car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air.

The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy
wanted to impress upon him that he that he must remain there.

The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the
car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about
you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1627 on: February 23, 2013, 04:48 PM »
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Good one, Aileen.

That reminds me of a true story about my mum and her car a few years ago.
It was in the deep clutch of Canadian winter, around -25 deg c, and she'd parked her car in an outdoor parking lot for about an hour or so. When she came back she was unable to unlock it, despite the keyring being a heated one. So she crouched down and started blowing into the lock, but unfortunately got too close and her lips became stuck to the lock.
A few minutes later a complete stranger started shouting at her "Excuse Me! What are you doing to my car?"
Yup, there she was, on her knees, blowing on the wrong car. And completely unable to speak.
Luckily the stranger could see she was distressed and helped peel her from his vehicle.

I swear this is a true story.
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robbie
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1628 on: February 23, 2013, 04:59 PM »
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She must have used the wrong kind of lipstuck.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1629 on: February 23, 2013, 05:01 PM »
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lmao  I can believe it, but how did your Mum pick the wrong car?  Was it just because it was a similar make and colour as her own?
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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1630 on: February 23, 2013, 05:20 PM »
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She must have used the wrong kind of lipstuck.
I told her not to go for the toffee shade.
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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1631 on: February 23, 2013, 05:27 PM »
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lmao  I can believe it, but how did your Mum pick the wrong car?  Was it just because it was a similar make and colour as her own?
Indeed.
Which reminds me of another true story, about me.

Back in my Aberdeen days, I once worked quite close to home and was able to walk there.
One day on my way to work, I popped into Gordons bakery for a cream eclair. While I was waiting, one of my colleages came in and joined the line-up, saw me and says "Linda, I'll give you a lift. The car's open."
So, there I am, waiting in the car when this complete stranger gets in and says to me "Who are you?"
So, I, equally shocked replied "Who are you?"
Yup.. I was in the wrong car.

Obviously genetic.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1632 on: February 23, 2013, 06:55 PM »
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^ You eclairly wen't paying attention to what you were doing ...


Come on Robbie - where are you? lol
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1633 on: February 26, 2013, 08:16 AM »
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Some old ones.

Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know?  He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
   
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
   
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
   
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
 
The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
 
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the damn thing!
 
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
 
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
 
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
 
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1634 on: February 26, 2013, 08:20 AM »
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Indeed.
Which reminds me of another true story, about me.

Back in my Aberdeen days, I once worked quite close to home and was able to walk there.
One day on my way to work, I popped into Gordons bakery for a cream eclair. While I was waiting, one of my colleages came in and joined the line-up, saw me and says "Linda, I'll give you a lift. The car's open."
So, there I am, waiting in the car when this complete stranger gets in and says to me "Who are you?"
So, I, equally shocked replied "Who are you?"
Yup.. I was in the wrong car.

Obviously genetic.

I did this. My mate gave me a lift to a cashpoint in the heavy rain. Running around with my coat over my head, I got my cash, then raced back to the car with my head down. I jumped in the passenger seat. The old lady in the driving seat nearly died of fright.
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