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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 48742 times)
Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1650 on: March 10, 2013, 11:08 AM »
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The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1651 on: March 11, 2013, 11:21 AM »
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 ^^ lmao lmao
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1652 on: March 11, 2013, 11:22 AM »
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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie
for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price -
the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, a nightie, pays the £150 and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might
as well be nothing.

I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get
a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked before him at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The astonished husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop!'

His funeral is this Thursday.

 lmao lmao Love it Aileen!!!!!!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1653 on: March 20, 2013, 02:13 PM »
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A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at
the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking,
and accidentally dialled the sports line.

He asked "How many did we get mate?"
The person replied "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck."
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1654 on: March 20, 2013, 02:21 PM »
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A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at
the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking,
and accidentally dialled the sports line.

He asked "How many did we get mate?"
The person replied "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck."
  roflmao roflmao Brilliant Aileen!
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1655 on: March 20, 2013, 07:26 PM »
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Just caught up on this thread.

Cheers folks, keep 'em coming.. and long may we laugh. Very Happy

btw.. Do you still get Ann Summers parties? Been to many a hilarious one in my Aberdeen days. yes
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1656 on: March 20, 2013, 07:30 PM »
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Just caught up on this thread.

Cheers folks, keep 'em coming.. and long may we laugh. Very Happy

btw.. Do you still get Ann Summers parties? Been to many a hilarious one in my Aberdeen days. yes
They're still one the go, but I've only ever been to one and that was years ago.  It was great fun though.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1657 on: March 20, 2013, 07:34 PM »
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A young ventriloquist is touring the UK and is in Bracknell and, one night, he's doing a show
at South Hill Park, with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
 
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
 
What makes you think you can stereotype all blonde women that way?

"What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

“It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people."

"It’s people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

and the blonde yells :"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1658 on: March 20, 2013, 08:03 PM »
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I love blonde jokes. Very Happy
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1659 on: March 20, 2013, 10:54 PM »
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I love blonde jokes. Very Happy

Do you see yourself in some of them?
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1660 on: March 20, 2013, 11:02 PM »
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Do you see yourself in some of them?
Of course I do. Very Happy
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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1661 on: March 20, 2013, 11:20 PM »
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Of course I do. Very Happy


A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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DaveH
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1662 on: March 21, 2013, 12:27 AM »
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Why do people think that blondes are less intelligent?

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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1663 on: March 21, 2013, 12:48 AM »
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I thot we wus smaart?  confused
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1664 on: March 21, 2013, 12:58 AM »
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^ We iz, Linda - it's just that men are too dumb to appeciate it!


Why do people think that blondes are less intelligent?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blonde_stereotype
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