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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 48882 times)
scotnadian
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Location: Toronto, Canada (ex Aberdeen, Scotland)


You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1665 on: March 21, 2013, 01:16 AM »
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I am adept at using my blondeness when the occasion arises.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1666 on: March 21, 2013, 11:22 AM »
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Dear Sirs,
 
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still
cannot believe how it is that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish
from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me
  where I was bloody born and on what date.
 
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.
 
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the
past 30 years.
 
It is on my National Health card.
 
On my driving license.

On my car insurance.
 
On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've
had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
 
All those insufferable census forms.
 
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Mary-Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be nabso-*******-
lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!
 
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me,
I've had enough of this bull****!  You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my ******* address??!
 
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.  Do I look like Bin Laden?
 
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go
and park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ****
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? 
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken
or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want
to tell!
 
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other
end of the poxy city to get another ******* copy of my birth
certificate, to the tune of 30 quid.
 
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the
same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
 
Noooo, that'd be too damn easy and may be make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place
like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find
some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture
- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile(bureaucratic
fuckin' morons)?!
 
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off!
 
Signed
 
An Irate Citizen
 
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and
getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over
the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to vouch for
who I am - you know, someone like my doctor -

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN ******* PAKISTAN!!




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Fiverings
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Andy Murray - Tennis Legend

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1667 on: March 21, 2013, 12:52 PM »
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Aye, ther
I am adept at using my blondeness when the occasion arises.
Aye, there's many a scam been pulled by acting dumb. I always assume people are much smarter than they appear to be. The trick is catching 'em out!
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Aileen
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Posts: 31,568

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1668 on: March 21, 2013, 03:47 PM »
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Dear Sirs,
 
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still
cannot believe how it is that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish
from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me
  where I was bloody born and on what date.
 
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.
 
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the
past 30 years.
 
It is on my National Health card.
 
On my driving license.

On my car insurance.
 
On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've
had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
 
All those insufferable census forms.
 
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Mary-Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be nabso-f**king-
lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!
 
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me,
I've had enough of this bullsh*t!  You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my f**king address??!
 
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.  Do I look like Bin Laden?
 
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go
and park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? 
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken
or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f**king people I'd want
to tell!
 
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other
end of the poxy city to get another f**king copy of my birth
certificate, to the tune of 30 quid.
 
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the
same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
 
Noooo, that'd be too damn easy and may be make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place
like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find
some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture
- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile(bureaucratic
fuckin' morons)?!
 
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off!
 
Signed
 
An Irate Citizen
 
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and
getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over
the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to vouch for
who I am - you know, someone like my doctor -

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F**KING PAKISTAN!!

roflmao  Brilliant, Chris - and oh so true!
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Aileen
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Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1669 on: March 21, 2013, 03:53 PM »
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SOME MEMORABLE QUOTES -

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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Fiverings
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Andy Murray - Tennis Legend

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1670 on: March 21, 2013, 05:16 PM »
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SOME MEMORABLE QUOTES -

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
 

Brilliant! Groucho Marx is one of my favourite wits - Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot; Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light   - just two of dozens of brilliant one-liners.
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1671 on: March 21, 2013, 08:16 PM »
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My favourite is the one by former American footballer Joe Namath -

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP."

I can relate to that only too well!
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Elly
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The mind doubts, but the heart never does.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1672 on: March 21, 2013, 09:45 PM »
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^ I think a lot of us can!  Some great ones in there.  Very Happy
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ally
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Location: Glasgow


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1673 on: March 21, 2013, 09:46 PM »
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Hi guys, thanks for all the brilliant jokes and quotes again.  I love catching up with them.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1674 on: March 22, 2013, 12:04 AM »
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Great quotes Aileen, your favourite is spot on lol!
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Caz
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Posts: 20,467


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1675 on: March 22, 2013, 06:47 AM »
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 lmao lmao Thanks Chris and Aileen for brightening up a dull day!
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1676 on: March 29, 2013, 04:17 AM »
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Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.
This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.
It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons,
and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction
to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons,
vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each
reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
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Fiverings
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Andy Murray - Tennis Legend

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1677 on: March 29, 2013, 10:11 AM »
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Thanks Aileen, for reminding me of this  clever old piece. When i get time I'll dig out a similar item on the element W, Woman. btw what were you doing banging around at 04:17 AM?
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1678 on: March 29, 2013, 04:01 PM »
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I tend to be a bit of a night owl but I'm not usually as late as that.  I had to do some typing for a friend which he needed today, and didn't get round to it earlier.

I'd like to see the element W joke, if you can find it.
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Fiverings
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Andy Murray - Tennis Legend

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1679 on: March 29, 2013, 04:52 PM »
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I tend to be a bit of a night owl but I'm not usually as late as that.  I had to do some typing for a friend which he needed today, and didn't get round to it earlier.

I'd like to see the element W joke, if you can find it.
   There you go 

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.
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