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Joke of the day

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scotnadian
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1680 on: March 29, 2013, 05:07 PM »
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Those were funny, Aileen & Fiverings.

Here's the chemical analysis of 'M A N'

"M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Element: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Mass: 180 lb +/- 100 lb
Common Name: Varies anywhere from John to !@#&"!
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape.
2. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
3. Difficult to find a pure sample.
4. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Attempts to bond with Wo2 any chance it can get.
2. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
3. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd5 (element kid) for a
prolonged
period of time.
4. Pretty basic.
5. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
USAGE:
1. None really, except methane production.
2. Good samples are able to produces large quantities on command.
CAUTION:
1. In the absence of Wo2, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1681 on: March 29, 2013, 05:15 PM »
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 lmao Brilliant Fiverings!      roflmao So true Linda!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1682 on: March 29, 2013, 05:22 PM »
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Thanks Fiverings and Linda.  Brilliant! lol  I love these clever jokes.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1683 on: March 29, 2013, 05:30 PM »
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Ermm Pass!  confused
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robbie
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1684 on: March 29, 2013, 05:56 PM »
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Those were funny, Aileen & Fiverings.

Here's the chemical analysis of 'M A N'

"M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Element: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Mass: 180 lb +/- 100 lb
Common Name: Varies anywhere from John to !@#&"!
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape.
2. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
3. Difficult to find a pure sample.
4. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Attempts to bond with Wo2 any chance it can get.
2. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
3. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd5 (element kid) for a
prolonged
period of time.
4. Pretty basic.
5. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
USAGE:
1. None really, except methane production.
2. Good samples are able to produces large quantities on command.
CAUTION:
1. In the absence of Wo2, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


Having trouble getting off the floor with that one. nah
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Elly
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1685 on: March 29, 2013, 05:57 PM »
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Having trouble getting off the floor with that one. nah
No rush - you stay where you are...  Wink
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1686 on: April 10, 2013, 09:25 AM »
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.  The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.  

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed. 'Where the hell are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1687 on: April 10, 2013, 12:40 PM »
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I've just been sacked from my new job in the Wines and Spirits section at Tesco. An Eastern European came in and asked if I could recommend a good port. I said “Try Dover”.
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Fiverings
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1688 on: April 10, 2013, 03:03 PM »
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I've just been sacked from my new job in the Wines and Spirits section at Tesco. An Eastern European came in and asked if I could recommend a good port. I said “Try Dover”.
  Wow, you really are one of Thatcher's children, aren't you! 
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1689 on: April 10, 2013, 03:04 PM »
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  Wow, you really are one of Thatcher's children, aren't you! 

It's a joke. I am in no way a racist.
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Connor
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1690 on: April 10, 2013, 03:24 PM »
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http://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=10200319202614277

Watch that video. So funny.
[ Last edit by Mark April 10, 2013, 03:31 PM ] IP Logged
Fiverings
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1691 on: April 10, 2013, 03:39 PM »
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It's a joke. I am in no way a racist.
 Hmm. I do actually believe you, but as the wonderful Caitlin Moran wrote in a recent column for the Times so much comedy nowadays is based on ironic bigotry/faux misogyny/pretend racism/satirical homophobia that one can never be sure. That's one reason why I detest Ricky Gervais.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1692 on: April 14, 2013, 11:07 AM »
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"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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wimbledonwestie
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1693 on: April 14, 2013, 11:37 AM »
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"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


Hee hee very true ... and nice to see you back Aileen  hug
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1694 on: April 14, 2013, 11:44 AM »
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 lmao lmao Nice one Aileen!
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