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Joke of the day

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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1710 on: April 17, 2013, 05:53 PM »
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Hey Nige.. in case you missed it in the match thread, as far as I'm concerned this is The Joke Of The Day

Take a bow, Sir! roflmao

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL  SAM GORE BELIEVED THE APRIL FOOLS LMAO.

Haha - comm (Sam Gore?) asking - what's this about a boxing match!

HAHAHA.. my commies just said Andy was going to do an exhibition boxing match for charity. They'd heard that somewhere in the UK.

Nigel!!! roflmao

Yes I heard him.  Couldn't believe it!

lol even that Lendl is not happy about it

Maybe he doesn't pay as much attention as we do.

Nigel will love it. lol






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Coldmarek
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Andy Murray is better than you.

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1711 on: April 17, 2013, 06:02 PM »
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Im glad I watched the match,it was wel worth it.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1712 on: April 21, 2013, 11:35 AM »
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In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
 
 
"Dear Lord,
 
This has been a tough two or three years.
 
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
 
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
 
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
 
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
 
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
 
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, John Bercow, & David Cameron.


 lmao lmao Love it!
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Masaka
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1713 on: May 08, 2013, 10:54 AM »
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Reported on some comedy show recently "Introducing Dr Who's K9 - the only BBC star from the 1970's you can safely book these days". It made me laugh...!!!

(Please remove if it is deemed offensive.)
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1714 on: May 08, 2013, 12:24 PM »
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You *******!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten *******!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1715 on: May 08, 2013, 01:07 PM »
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 lmao lmao Brilliant Chris!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1716 on: May 21, 2013, 02:54 AM »
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had
really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came
home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere.
So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over
the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell,
but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.
The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the
second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my
ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.
Luckily I landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me and killed me.

St. Peter chuckled, but decided he had indeed been very unfortunate and allowed him to enter heaven.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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scotnadian
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You (still) ain't seen nothing yet..

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1717 on: May 21, 2013, 03:27 AM »
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^A series of unfortunate events.
Nice one, Aileen. Very Happy
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1718 on: May 21, 2013, 09:29 AM »
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 lmao lmao Love it Aileen!!
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1719 on: June 01, 2013, 12:02 PM »
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A grandma and her grandson were shopping in a super market.
 
The grandma realizes that the kid has picked a toy, she calls out:  ''Degree, put that toy back."
 
The kid returns the toy.
 
An astonished customer asks: ''Is that his name?''
 
The grandma replies: ''Yes, I sent his mother to the University and this is what she brought home."
 
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1720 on: June 01, 2013, 12:03 PM »
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MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because

Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

 
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1721 on: June 01, 2013, 12:47 PM »
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 roflmao roflmao Thanks Chris.....loved 'em both, the second one in particular!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1722 on: June 01, 2013, 02:05 PM »
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lmao  Brilliant - and the second one's a real cracker!  Thanks Chris.
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ChrisMac
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1723 on: June 01, 2013, 11:58 PM »
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 Very Happy
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1724 on: June 13, 2013, 03:24 AM »
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags
behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto
the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag." 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal
it, did you?" 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the
best of it?"  
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,
O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. 
"OK. Good luck! ... Oh, by the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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