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Joke of the day

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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1725 on: June 13, 2013, 06:36 AM »
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Oh God Aileen.......That brought tears to my eyes!  lmao
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Grabcopy
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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1726 on: June 24, 2013, 01:43 PM »
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Medicare Aussie-style:


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Caz
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Posts: 22,635


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1727 on: June 24, 2013, 02:09 PM »
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 lmao lmao Brilliant Nigel!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1728 on: June 26, 2013, 06:58 PM »
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Nice one! lol
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Mark
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1729 on: June 26, 2013, 07:00 PM »
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Nice one! lol

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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1730 on: June 29, 2013, 03:33 AM »
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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in
heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and
had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

A week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.  Better than I could have ever expected.
And those Meals On Wheels you've been sending by are the best!"
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Caz
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I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1731 on: June 29, 2013, 05:31 AM »
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 lmao Good one Aileen!
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Emma Jean
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We will be Victorious

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1732 on: June 29, 2013, 03:00 PM »
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In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That American son of a b**ch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The American thought - "That fecking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again"
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1733 on: June 30, 2013, 01:30 AM »
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lol  Nice one, EJ!
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Grabcopy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1734 on: June 30, 2013, 10:09 AM »
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'











No, I think you have the wrong number ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 

 
 
   
 

 
 
 


 
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Caz
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Posts: 22,635


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1735 on: June 30, 2013, 11:46 AM »
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 roflmao roflmao Brilliant Nigel!  lmao
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Sabine
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^_^

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1736 on: June 30, 2013, 01:02 PM »
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ...

roflmao roflmao

Love your jokes, Nigel! Thanks for the laugh.
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1737 on: June 30, 2013, 09:39 PM »
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lmao  I can imagine the scenario ... Brilliant!
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Aileen
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Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1738 on: July 15, 2013, 05:47 PM »
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There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman
sitting next to him and says,
 
"Hey, you look familiar.  Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about
my age.  Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.

How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't
believe it in a million years. This guy went to the samehigh school as me,
me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We
were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much.
The Johnson twins are drunk again."
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ProdigyEng
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1739 on: July 15, 2013, 05:53 PM »
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GangstaMurray's face.
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