Home Search Calendar Help Login Register
Did you miss your activation email?
MurraysWorld Discussions  >  General Community  >  Chit Chat  >  Joke of the day 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 122 123 124 [125] 126 127 128 ... 132 Go Down Reply
Author

Joke of the day

 (Read 54647 times)
ProdigyEng
Veteran
******
Posts: 7,336

Gender: Male
Location: Manchester


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1860 on: November 08, 2013, 11:29 PM »
Reply

Guess who's back, back again? Aileen's back, tell a friend!
IP Logged
Caz
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 22,175


I'd like to be the good person my dog thinks I am!

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1861 on: November 09, 2013, 09:36 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao Thanks Nigel and Aileen! Great to have you back!  hug
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,054

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1862 on: November 09, 2013, 10:26 AM »
Reply

Welcome back, Aileen. This one is dedicated to you:


Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'
  
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,054

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1863 on: November 09, 2013, 10:29 AM »
Reply

(PS - do you also subscribe to A Joke A Day? Whistle)

Never heard of it. No, my uncle on the south coast keeps sending them to me. No idea where he gets them from. I filter out the more unacceptably racist among them (of which there are many).

You 100% now?
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 35,461

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1864 on: November 09, 2013, 03:47 PM »
Reply

Welcome back, Aileen. This one is dedicated to you:


Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'
 
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

lmao  Thanks Nigel!

I'm not 100% yet but hopefully getting there. hug

IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 35,461

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1865 on: November 11, 2013, 01:10 AM »
Reply

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a
pirate ship came over the horizon.

The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt."
So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow.
"Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt."
They again battle the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks,
"Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?"
The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't
want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."
"I see," says the cabin boy.

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships heading towards them.
The captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants!"
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 11,919

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1866 on: November 11, 2013, 11:13 AM »
Reply

 lmao lmao you can't beat the old ones Aileen!  Thanks also Nigel!

IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 35,461

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1867 on: December 03, 2013, 05:02 AM »
Reply

To write with a broken pencil is . . .  Pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . Take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . Got twelve months.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . Was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . Free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . Dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . You can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . And a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . You can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . Hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre . . . You've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . Resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . Jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone . . . It is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. It goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . .  Is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . Which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . Exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair . . . She thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . .  A jab well done.
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,054

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1868 on: December 04, 2013, 04:10 PM »
Reply

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next  table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.

He asked  the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent  taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro - bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is  only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that  evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.  After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller  than the ones I saw you  serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, senor. Regrettably,  sometimes the bull wins.'
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,054

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1869 on: December 04, 2013, 04:15 PM »
Reply

Welcome back, Aileen. This one is dedicated to you:


Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'
 
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'


I just realised the start of that joke is missing. It's about a sex doll.
IP Logged
Grabcopy
Veteran
*
Posts: 7,054

Gender: Male
Location: Catatonia


I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1870 on: December 04, 2013, 04:27 PM »
Reply

My favourite limerick.

There once was a man called Dave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said 'I know it's disgusting
But she only needs dusting
And think of the money you save'.
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 35,461

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1871 on: December 04, 2013, 06:14 PM »
Reply

roflmao  Brilliant jokes Nigel.  Thanks.


I just realised the start of that joke is missing. It's about a sex doll.
I did figure out it was something like that. Smile
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 11,919

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1872 on: December 09, 2013, 11:13 AM »
Reply

Grandma's Oranges
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
 
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
 
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
 
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
 
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
 
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
 
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
 
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
 
The policeman fainted.
IP Logged
ChrisMac
World No 1
*******
Posts: 11,919

Gender: Female


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1873 on: December 09, 2013, 11:15 AM »
Reply

This Is Your Captain Speaking!

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the Captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain, welcome to Flight 293, non-stop
from London Heathrow to New York.
 
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

 
Silence followed.

 
Some moments later, the Captain came back on the intercom: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight
attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"

 
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
 

"For the luvva Jaysus......yee should see the back of mine!"
IP Logged
Aileen
Murraymaniac
**********
Posts: 35,461

Gender: Female
Location: Edinburgh


Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1874 on: December 09, 2013, 05:41 PM »
Reply

lmao  lmao  Thanks Chris!
IP Logged
Pages: 1 ... 122 123 124 [125] 126 127 128 ... 132 Go Up Reply 
« previous next »