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Joke of the day

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully!!! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME... BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
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Caz
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 lmao Nice one Nigel!
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roflmao  Thanks Nige!
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An  Irish couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed.

As  Mary the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised to look around and see that Paddy her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, Paddy  said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the pub next door to it."

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Caz
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That's terrible Nigel!  roflmao
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Eastern European scam


Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever “Eastern European” scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naïve enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

*        Two very good looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

*        They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

*        When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say “No” and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco.

*        You agree and they both get in the back seat.

*        On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

*        Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other steals your wallet!

*        I had my wallet stolen on August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on September 2st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

*        So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

*        The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.


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Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO
cube?

A. A laughing stock.


Q What's the height of optimism?

A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.


Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1
car?

A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.


Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score
will come from.


Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in
common with Michael Jackson?

A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.


Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.


Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?

A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

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This morning I was beaten up by a woman...I was in an elevator when this
busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
 So I did. 
 I don't remember much afterwards.
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lmao  Just catching up on this thread.  Brilliant jokes, Nigel.  Thanks.
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Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still
walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once
tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and
without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or
where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
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lol Very true Nigel!
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper""  Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"  That spider never knew what bloody hit it!

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

English Stiff Upper Lip:  On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me...  I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that? The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap."

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lmao
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Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
 
Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
 
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
 
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little b*stards deserved it!
 
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
 
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather. Fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
 
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lol - hilarious! (except the 3rd last that is)
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