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Joke of the day

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I know I'm paranoid. But am I paranoid enough?

Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1980 on: September 21, 2014, 12:35 PM »
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A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and thbeer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
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Caz
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1981 on: September 21, 2014, 12:42 PM »
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 lmao lmao I know we can always rely on you for a much needed laugh! Thanks Nigel!
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Aileen
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1982 on: September 21, 2014, 07:27 PM »
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lol  Good one Nigel!
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1983 on: September 21, 2014, 07:47 PM »
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Excellent Nigel!
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1984 on: October 01, 2014, 08:02 AM »
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It was the Scotland/Wales rugby international weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now - 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now - 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry, I can see the headline now - 'English B***ard Strangles Family Pet...'
 
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1985 on: October 01, 2014, 06:08 PM »
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It was the Scotland/Wales rugby international weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now - 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now - 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry, I can see the headline now - 'English B***ard Strangles Family Pet...'
 

  Excellent.  With suitable changes, that would make a brilliant DM joke though!!
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1986 on: October 01, 2014, 06:42 PM »
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 roflmao roflmao Nigel.
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1987 on: October 10, 2014, 03:56 PM »
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CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired,
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often  catch crabs.
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1988 on: October 10, 2014, 07:44 PM »
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lmao  Very good, Nigel!  Very Happy
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Re: Joke of the day « Reply #1989 on: October 10, 2014, 08:23 PM »
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I love these wordplay one-liners!
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