MurraysWorld  >  Chit Chat  >  Joke of the day
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Joke of the day

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lol  Nice ones Nigel & Fiverings!
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These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court", and are things
people actually said in American courts, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters -

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q. This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Q. I forget.
A. You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q. How old is your son - the one living with you?
A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty-five years.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?
A. Approximately milepost 499.
Q. And where is milepost 499?
A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q. Doctor, what did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
A. There were traces of semen.
Q. Male semen?
A. That's the only kind I know of.

Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and  blue lights flashing?
A. Yes.
Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A. Yes, sir.
Q, What did she say?
A. What disco am I at?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male, or a female?

Q. Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next momorning?
A. Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Caz
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 roflmao roflmao Brilliant Aileen and it seems to me the lawyers are dafter than the witnesses! Rolling Eyes
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Thanks Aileen, I love all that stuff. But its not just witnesses that can raise a smile. Here's an old chestnut, though it's probably apocryphal.

Judge to Defence Counsel: And does the accused understand the concept of "habeas corpus"?

Defence Counsel:  M'Lud, where he comes from they talk of little else.
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lol  Nice one Fiverings.
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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour.
The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might
want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives
them to the father."

So the couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine
up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father, and the
husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "Why don't you just put
it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing."

The doctor warned them, "This much could kill you if you're not prepared," but
the husband replied "I'm ready."

So the doctor turned the machine up to 100%.  The husband still didn't fell a thing
so they set off home happy after a pain free labour.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the front porch.
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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour.
The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might
want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives
them to the father."

So the couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine
up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father, and the
husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "Why don't you just put
it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing."

The doctor warned them, "This much could kill you if you're not prepared," but
the husband replied "I'm ready."

So the doctor turned the machine up to 100%.  The husband still didn't fell a thing
so they set off home happy after a pain free labour.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the front porch.
   Clever!
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