In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games the organisers of Glasgow's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony - The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
The Events - In previous Olympic games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:
100 Metres Sprint- Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 Metres Hurdle - As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police car, the next a post office van and then a Securicor wages vehicle.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will break into the University bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit- As above but the bike will belong to a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Swimming - Competitors will be thrown off the Clyde Suspension Bridge. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
Closing Ceremony - Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it form the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.