'How to behave as Wimbledon champion'
Not Roger Federer has written an open letter to ‘Andrew Murray’ on how he should behave as Wimbledon Champion:
As the great Freddie Mercury sings, We are the Champions My friend. We’ll keep on fighting, until match point. At which point you win, and in My matches I decide whether I choose to lose.
Congratulations on your Wimbledon victory, Andrew. You have joined My clubs. With this achievement comes great responsibility and it is your pleasure to read My advice here in association with My best friends at The Tennis Space. As with most things in the life, there are the negatives, the positives, the bad things and the good things. I am an optical which means I always ask Chef to fill My glass to the top. Therefore, let us go through the negatives first.
- Commentators will randomly say meaningless statements like, “He doesn’t sweat”. Then, they will believe what they have just said and ask you questions about it in press conferences.
- Commentators will also make the excited noises when you beat players such as 52 year old Phillip Gazpacho who has never played tennis before, in the first round of the Wimbledon. Despite what they think, this isn’t actually a big achievement, although quite fun.
- Your first names are now Wimbledon and Champion, your surnames are now Andrew and Murrays. This is OK up to a certain point. But for Me, when I fill out application forms, I’m never quite sure what to write.
- Mr. Wimbledon will ensure you always play lesser known players in the first couple of rounds. Why is this a negative? Well, look what happened to Me.
- The actual Wimbledon trophy they give you is much smaller when you get it homes. It isn’t very useful but I do find that they make excellent containers for Lindt chocolates.
- Doors will now open for you. Before you had to open them yourself. It’s almost magic although I believe nowadays some are automatic.
- Sleepovers at Mr. Wimbledon’s house. Although if I’m doing the honestations, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s particularly awkward when you realize his homes is a shrine to your existence. Staff didn’t know where to look on My behalf.
- Gwen SteFunny and Gavin will appear in your box. They haven’t been in Mine for a while so I imagine they made the foreseeings.
- Anna Winterbottom will suddenly appear in your dining room. She will offer great fashion tips so make the notes for future references.
- You are now eligible to wear unusual outfits whilst walking out on Centre Court and no matter how ridiculous they may appear, Sue Darker of the BBC will make the fawnings.
- Even if you hardly win a tournament in the year leading up to Wimbledon, the BBC team will always start the Wimbledon coverage as though you’ve already won.
- One of the biggest positives is that we are boys. This gives us automatic immunizations from comments of certain BBC Television presenters who see fit to make comments about girl Wimbledon champions.
See you across the Atlantic soon.