NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

School 1960 vs. School 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill

1960 - Ants die.

2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a $exual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

HaHa Funny!

go to Google.co.uk

Type in find chuck norris

Hit "I'm feeling lucky"

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.



No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:
Run, before he finds you
Try a different person

Is that trying to suggest the boss of the psychologist was Billy's Mum. And the Mum wanted her husband to go to prison and therefore when he did, she gave the promotion for the psychologist lying for her? Or is it just trying to say he did nothing to get a promotion?

So true

This is unfortunately true as well

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop,
that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the  out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

That smartass got owned!

The swear word totally ruins that joke. Other than that it's quite funny.

Yay, now it looks more realistic with the innocent little girl image