Not sure if this one's been posted, but..............

Afterlife  
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
 
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
 
afterlife.
 

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to
 
his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
 
'Is that you, Fred?'
 
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
 
'What's it like?'
 
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
 golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
 
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon.
 
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at
night. The next day it starts again.'
 
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

 












 
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Hertfordshire.'

I have one too:


A very good message here for all of us!!!


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;


it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone.. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.



Give more.

Expect less



NOW .


Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,


and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.


The gash from the bite got infected and


the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this
page, or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird sh*t.'

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, ' And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 single's, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!

How is yer loving hoosband doing? She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Little April was asleep in class, the teacher decided to try to catch her out and asks "tell me April, who created the universe?".  When April didn't stir, her friend little Johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen, "GOD ALMIGHT!" shouted April.  A little later the teacher asks her "Who is our saviour?" Johnny again prods her with a pen and April shouts "JESUS CHRIST!" The teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?" Johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs April who screams "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ONCE MORE, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!"

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Poor Solomon - no wonder he was hysterical!

Ouch

Those quotes from school children are brilliant