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Topic: Joke of the day (Read 5433 times)
ljsmall
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Posts: 8,637
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Location: Peterhead (near Aberdeen)
It's a Murray Duck!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2007, 01:49:54 PM »
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
Not as filthy as Marek's but funny nonetheless
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nkp2
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 13,877
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2007, 04:24:52 PM »
I love Lorna's and the ski lodge one and the auction one!
I laughed aloud for all those 3!
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Miss Lady Amy
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 13,328
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Green-alicious!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2007, 11:07:28 PM »
Quote from: ljsmall on November 15, 2007, 01:49:54 PM
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
Not as filthy as Marek's but funny nonetheless
Thats amazing!
I have one ...
A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven St Peter asks the first nun "Have you ever had contact with a penis?" shes says "I touched one with my finger". St Peter says dip it in the holy water and go through the gate. He then asks the next nun the same question and she said "I fondled one" and St Peter said put your hand in the holy water and go through the gate. Suddenly theres a commotion and a nun has pushed to the front and St Peter asks "Whats up?" And the nun replies "If I'm going to gargle that holy water I want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it!
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Bevc
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 15,245
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Location: Cambridge - New Zealand
I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #18 on: November 16, 2007, 12:41:56 AM »
I've been sent this one - originated in Germany, so I'm wondering if Al started this one
Bloody Women Drivers
Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my rightand there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 130 klms per hour, with herface up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she washalfway over in my lane still working on that make up!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped myelectric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my kneesagainst the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fellinto the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM ANDTHE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out ofmy mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Bloody Women Drivers
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Coldmarek
ATP Level
Posts: 2,477
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Location: The royal town of Sutton Coldfield
Andy Murray is the new arcade fire!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2007, 08:02:06 AM »
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Thanks everyone for jokes
[ Last edit by ColdMarek November 16, 2007, 08:02:15 AM ]
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Coldmarek
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Location: The royal town of Sutton Coldfield
Andy Murray is the new arcade fire!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2007, 08:04:38 AM »
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That�s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I�ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you�ve been replaced."
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Coldmarek
ATP Level
Posts: 2,477
Gender:
Location: The royal town of Sutton Coldfield
Andy Murray is the new arcade fire!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2007, 08:41:45 AM »
A wife moans to hubby a bull can have $ex 365 days a year, why cant you?
Hubby says the bull doesn't f**k the same cow every day!!!
Quote from: ljsmall on November 15, 2007, 01:49:54 PM
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
Not as filthy as Marek's but funny nonetheless
I just got this one
[ Last edit by ColdMarek November 17, 2007, 10:25:28 AM ]
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Coldmarek
ATP Level
Posts: 2,477
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Location: The royal town of Sutton Coldfield
Andy Murray is the new arcade fire!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2007, 02:28:16 PM »
Edited by rafa
Wise up, Marek
[ Last edit by Mark November 18, 2007, 11:02:13 PM ]
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scotsman75
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Location: Tenerife, Canary Islands
Help. I dont want to wake up in the year 3000!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2007, 02:36:48 PM »
I feel sick!!!!!
[ Last edit by Mark November 18, 2007, 11:02:44 PM ]
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netcord
Seed
Posts: 4,453
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The Messiah is my sister
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2007, 04:24:17 PM »
.......it was going quite well too
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Sir Panda
John McEnroe
Posts: 18,486
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Location: Glasgow
Vote Democrat.
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #25 on: November 18, 2007, 10:39:44 PM »
Controversial.
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Mark
Murraymaniac
Posts: 29,337
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Location: London
Perfect.
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #26 on: November 18, 2007, 11:01:28 PM »
Oh my god! Marek sets a new benchmark
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Miss Lady Amy
Grand Slam Champion
Posts: 13,328
Gender:
Green-alicious!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #27 on: November 18, 2007, 11:11:16 PM »
How is something like that meant to be funny?
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Mark
Murraymaniac
Posts: 29,337
Gender:
Location: London
Perfect.
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #28 on: November 18, 2007, 11:12:51 PM »
Funny in the sense of how shocking it is. Often South Park is funny just because they come up with such shocking humour.
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Coldmarek
ATP Level
Posts: 2,477
Gender:
Location: The royal town of Sutton Coldfield
Andy Murray is the new arcade fire!
Re: My joke of the day
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2007, 03:00:28 PM »
Quote from: Mark on November 18, 2007, 11:01:28 PM
Oh my god! Marek sets a new benchmark
I like being benchmark
Its been edited on another two boards!
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and f**k, and then you disappear."
[ Last edit by ColdMarek November 19, 2007, 03:02:11 PM ]
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