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Joke of the day


 no How disappointing! I'm no prude, but I prefer my dirty jokes to be funny!
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A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London . She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mum, same "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother £1,000 and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub Colleen, a bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed £1,000, calls downstairs, "Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indeed there is, me darlin'," replies her mum, "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
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I posted this in the Olympics thread. It's probably better off here, though.

Ten years ago, Manchester hosted the Commonwealth Games. I always remember this spoof preview:

As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth Games this July. What you may not know is that many of the famous events that go to make up this spectacular have been especially altered for Manchester.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Salford, in the traditional dress of balaclava and Rockports. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


In previous Commonwealth Games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc).

HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some poor guy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool,the specific musical support to this event will be provided by The Verve.

THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of The Salford Health in the Community Anti-drug Campaign, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Man United fans. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News: To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, drugs testing has been waived this year.
[ Last edit by Grabcopy July 30, 2012, 09:46 AM ] IP Logged

Nice one lol  I'm thinking a lot of it could apply to Glasgow come 2014!
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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
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 shocking clap
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The only reason to follow Mr. Brown. He throws shit like this all the time.
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A selection of some of the common phrases that come from the mouths of top professionals… and what they really mean.

They say: ‘He's got a very big serve.’
They mean: ‘He's a one-trick pony and I'll marmalise him.’

They say: ‘Both of us have very big serves.’
They mean: ‘I wouldn't expect any particularly long rallies if I were you.’

They say: ‘This tournament is always a little bit special for me.’
They mean: ‘This tournament consistently comes up with more prize money than anywhere else.’

They say: ‘I have a lot of respect for Maria Sharapova as a player.’
They mean: ‘Oh, COME ON! She's not THAT hot!’

They say: ‘The tournament will be poorer without Rafa.’

They say: ‘It's only a matter of time before Andy Murray wins a major.’
They mean: ‘This'll get the crowd on my side at Wimbledon.’

They say: ‘Outside of the Grand Slams, this is, for me, the biggest tournament of them all.’
They mean: ‘Where are we this week? Dubai? Oh, ker-CHING!’

They say: ‘I'm really interested in getting into fashion and clothing design.’
They mean: ‘I can't be bothered with tennis any more.’

They say: ‘I didn't come up with enough big shots today.’
They mean: ‘I was appalling.’

They say: ‘On the day, I just couldn't match her physical strength.’
They mean: ‘I'd be very interested to see the results of her urine sample.’

They say: ‘I'm so surprised, I didn't even book myself a hotel room for the second week of Wimbledon.’
They mean: ‘Does anybody have a sofa that I can crash on?’
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Some of the funniest Movie Quotes of All Time.

1.   “There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other
      people's cultures and the Dutch.”
      Goldmember (2002) – Nigel Powers (Michael Caine)

2.   “I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.”
      Spaceballs (1987) – Barf (John Candy)
3.   “We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The
      only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear that's coming
      History of the World Part I (1981) – Comicus (Mel Brooks)

4.   “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty
      Bananas (1971) – Fielding Mellish (Woody Allen)

5.   “There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your
      flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
      Airplane (1980) – Elaine Dickinson (Julie Hagerty)

6. “Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.”
      Basic Instinct 2 (2006) – Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone)

7. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.”
      What About Bob? (1991) – Bob Wiley (Bill Murray)

8. “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd?  Let’s get the flock out of here.”
      Lethal Weapon (1987) – Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson)

9. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
      Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) – Cliff Stern (Woody Allen)

10. “Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or
      something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.”
      Dumb and Dumber (1994) – Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels)

11. “I’m kind of psychic.  I have a fifth sense.  It’s like I have ESPN or something.”
      Mean Girls (2004) – Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried)

12. “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
      Animal House (1978) – Dean Wormer (John Vernon)

13. "A jester unemployed is nobody's fool."
      The Court Jester (1955) - Hubert Hawkins (Danny Kaye)

14. “Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.”
      The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay)

15. “Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”
      City Slickers (1991) - Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal)

16. “When women go wrong, men go right after them.”
      She Done Him Wrong (1933) – Lady Lou (Mae West)

17. “To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.”
      A Mighty Wind (2003) – Mark Shubb (Harry Shearer)

18. “Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.”
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)

19. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
      The House Bunny (2008) - Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris)

20. “If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
      Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

21. “Do you know who I used to be?”
      The Producers (1968) - Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel)

22. “I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I
      looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)
23. “You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.”
      Animal Crackers (1930) – Captain Spaulding (Groucho Marx)

24. “I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split
      personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.”
      Zelig (1983) – Leonard Zelig (Woody Allen)

25. “I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
      So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) – Charlie Mackenzie (Mike Myers)

26. “I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens.
      If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.”
      A Night at the Opera (1935) – Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx)
27. “Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.”
      Klondike Annie (1936) – The Frisco Doll (Mae West)
28. “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.”
      Naked Gun 33 ½ : The Final Insult (1994) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

29. “You know, my mother never had time for me.  When you're the middle child in a
      family of five million, you don't get any attention."
      Antz (1998) - Z (Woody Allen)

30. “I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's my
      fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was   
      stabbing him.”
      Living Out Loud (1998) – Liz Bailey (Queen Latifah)

31. “Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C.
      on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all
      be put out on K.P.”.  
      Good Morning Vietnam (1987) – Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams)

32. "I'm Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States.”
      An Inconvenient Truth (2006) – Al Gore (himself)

33. “I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But once in a while can't you choose
      someone else?”
      Fiddler on the Roof (1971) – Tevye (Topol)
34. “Don’t ever hit your mother with a shovel.  It leaves a dull impression on her mind.”
      Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) – Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman)

35. “Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi
      and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'”
      Keeping Mum (2005) – Rev. Walter Goodfellow (Rowan Atkinson )

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lol  Thanks EJ
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