[Aileen]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have a higher level: "Invade a Neighbour"
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation
levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Caz]

David Cameron has just announced that he intends to make it much more difficult to claim benefits. As from next week, all claim forms will be in English!

[Elly]

It takes seven seconds for the food to get from the mouth to the stomach.
One straw of hair holds for up to 3 kilograms.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The thigh-bone is hard as concrete.
The woman's heart beats faster than the mans.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to maintain balance when we are standing up straight.
The woman has read this text... the man is still looking at his thumb.

I need to look for a man with a big thumb. 

[Elly]

^   Measure it! 

[Elly]

Cant...tape not long enough..... need laser.

[oh yer]

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me

[Grabcopy]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. 

He says prophets are going through the roof.