This sounds like a load of hot air ... Flatulent man faces County Durham club ban
[Northern Echo, 5 March]
A WORKING men's club is threatening to ban one of its members for his flatulence.
Dave Marriott has been causing a stink and now he has been warned that if he doesn't stop, he will be barred.
Mr Marriott, 49, from Grange Villa, County Durham said: "I'm not a scruffy man, I'm just afflicted with wind.
"I only drink two days a week, on a Saturday and Sunday. But if I drink too much on an afternoon then I'm flatulent on an evening and it can be really bad.
"I was brought up in front of the club's board, which included a couple of my friends, because a few people had been complaining.
"In fairness it's not just me, but I'm probably the worst.
"In the past I've actually been awarded pints for clearing a bar at closing time, when the landlord wanted everyone to leave.
"But I'm not proud of myself and now I've received a reprimand and a final warning. If I carry on letting off then I'll be out."
Mr Marriott, who has been a member of the Grange Villa Workmen's Social Club for more than 30 years, said he is not aware if he suffers from any particular medical problem.
"I don't know that I have a problem and my brother is just the same," Mr Marriott said, "Though I've not asked a doctor.
"There's quite a bit of flatulence down the club and they seem to be cracking down - perhaps it's because women are now allowed in the bar.
"I've tried changing from Guinness to lager but it's made no difference, so whether I need to go and see a chemist and see if they can give me anything I don't know.
"I've nothing against the club for doing this - in fact it's all been a bit comical and I could see one or two of the committee sniggering as they told me I had to stop."
A spokesman for the club confirmed disciplinary action had been taken, but declined to comment further.